Meant to Live

There’s a famous saying that goes, “Women become mothers the moment they know they’re pregnant. Men become fathers the moment the child is born.”

But, in our family, it’s been the opposite. My husband became a father the moment he found out I was pregnant. For me, I’m not there yet.

This can be taboo for women to admit – when it shouldn’t be. While many women do fall in love with their unborn babies as soon as they see the two pink lines appear on their pregnancy tests, for others, it doesn’t happen quite that way. And that’s okay; it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!

For me – someone who struggled with anxiety even when I wasn’t pregnant – I’m constantly nervous that something bad will happen. And that’s made it difficult to get too attached. Before every gynecologist appointment, I prep myself for bad news, which makes it hard to let myself actually get excited about the baby.

Another reason for not feeling that immediate connection is because pregnancy is hard! It can be difficult to feel this outpouring of love for an unborn baby who, obviously at no fault of their own, is causing hormonal changes, nausea, aching joints, lightning crotch, exhaustion and more. For me, sometimes I get so consumed by the here-and-now that I lose sight of what the end result is going to be.

It can also be hard to feel connected with someone you’ve never met before! Even though my baby is inside of me, I don’t actually know him. I don’t know what he looks like or what it feels like to hold him in my arms or when his birthday will be or even what his name will be for sure. So, he still feels like just an abstract idea. I keep having to remind myself, “There’s an actual human growing in my belly!” because, still, seven months into the pregnancy, it doesn’t feel real.

While it’s easy to feel alone in these feelings, know that it’s very normal. Statistics show that at least one in four pregnant women feel little attachment to their unborn child. Some common reasons include physical discomfort; a mood disorder, like depression or anxiety; unplanned pregnancy; previous loss; and/or a fear of the unknown.

In a personal essay for Elle Magazine, former tennis player Serena Williams shared that she, too, struggled to bond with her daughter before she was born.

She wrote, “Throughout my pregnancy, I’d never felt a connection with her. While I loved being pregnant, I didn’t have that amazing Oh my God, this is my baby moment, ever. It’s something people don’t usually talk about, because we’re supposed to be in love from the first second.”

“I kept waiting to feel like I knew her during pregnancy, but the feeling never came. Some of my mom friends told me they didn’t feel the connection in the womb either, which made me feel better, but still, I longed for it.”

Not having this connection may make you nervous about how you’ll feel after the baby is born. But it’s common for parents not to connect with their baby until after the birth or even months later. It’s a process that takes time, but most parents – about 95% according to a study in the Upsala Journal of Medical Sciences – get there within the first six months of a child’s life.

So, stop feeling like there’s a way you should feel during your pregnancy. Every pregnancy is different. Just because you have these feelings before your baby, that has no precedent over the kind of mother you’ll be after the baby is born!

How mood disorders and physical discomfort can affect bond with unborn baby

There’s a famous saying that goes, “Women become mothers the moment they know they’re pregnant. Men become fathers the moment th...

Wow, so the last time I wrote a blog was four months ago – when I talked about doing Dry January! And while everything I wrote was true, I may not have been completely honest.

While I did do Dry January, I’ve also been doing Dry February, March, April and May… because I’m pregnant! And that’s why I’ve taken such a long hiatus. Because, well, pregnancy is a lot harder than I thought it would be!

If I’m being honest, I really didn’t prepare for this at all. I’d always been on the fence about having children of my own. When I saw other people’s babies, I never had that tingle in my ovaries, thinking, “Oh my god! I want one!” Instead, I thought, “Oh, he/she is cute…okay, that’s enough, you can have them back now!”

But, for my husband – just like some people you meet and know they were born to be a singer or a scientist or whatever – I’ve always known that he was born to be a dad someday. Without a doubt, I knew that’s what he was meant to do.

So, being with someone I could actually picture having a child with for the first time, I decided to “take out the goalie” (aka stop taking my birth control) soon after we got married – thinking, “Okay, whatever happens, happens!” Not knowing how my 35-year-old uterus would react, I thought I’d have time to prepare. But that ended up not being the case as, the very next month, I watched as the word “Pregnant” appeared on my plastic test.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize how lucky I am that I didn’t have to struggle. I know for so many people that’s not the case. But, when it happened for me right away, I was not mentally or emotionally prepared AT ALL, and I had not weaned myself off my anxiety medication like I thought I would. So, all of the sudden, I had to cut myself off cold turkey. And, let me tell you, it was rough.

I knew I was supposed to be ecstatic about the news, but instead, I felt so depressed that I, honestly, just wanted to die. Now I know that was because, on top of all the changes going on inside my body, I was also going through withdrawal. And, while it took some time to figure it all out, I found ways I could take care of myself and my mental health while being pregnant.

There are still meds you can take

I found out from my gynecologist that I could keep taking my daily Celexa medication while pregnant. Celexa is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). Certain SSRIs are an option during pregnancy because they aren’t linked to birth defects, and they have been proven to pose the lowest risk to unborn babies compared to other antidepressants. This has helped me continue to regulate my mental health throughout my pregnancy.

Unfortunately, I did learn that the Xanax I was taking is a “Category D drug," meaning it could lead to complications for my baby, such as miscarriage, developmental abnormalities, preterm delivery and dependence on the drug after birth. My gynecologist advised that I stop taking that and also stop taking Trazodone, which I used to help me sleep.

My gyno told me that a good alternative for Trazodone is the over-the-counter drug Unisom, which is considered safe during pregnancy. And, while it took about a month for the Unisom to work – since I was still getting used to being off Trazodone – it has really helped me sleep ever since. If that doesn’t work for you and you need something stronger, other safe options for pregnant women are imipramine or amitriptyline, which can be prescribed to you by a doctor.

Sadly, there isn’t really a safe drug comparable to the fast-acting effects of Xanax. But there was one thing my gynecologist told me that helped me feel a little better. After the first trimester, she said, “You can still take Xanax once a month AT MOST in case of an emergency!” (Note: MAKE SURE to ask your own gynecologist before doing this). I’ve only taken advantage of this advice once since finding out I was pregnant – taking a 10 mg Xanax when I was about to have a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the office. But just knowing it’s there if I need it – even if I don’t actually use it – has felt like a relief and has helped me cope, at least more than I did when I thought it wasn’t an option at all.

Let others support you

I realized that besides, obviously, cutting out medication cold turkey, there was something else that was really harming my mental health during my early pregnancy. And that was keeping it a secret.

While many people choose to wait 12 weeks to tell anyone, I decided to tell my close family and friends earlier than that because I really needed the support. I realized, why am I waiting when, if anything did happen to the baby, these are the people I would tell anyways.

So, if you’re feeling alone and want to tell your mom or your best friend right away, then do it! There’s no rule for when you should start telling people. Let people support you.

I’ve also learned to ask for help. If I don’t feel good, I have no problem asking my husband to take on my fair share of the chores so I can relax. And I take full advantage of the fact that, if I tell my husband I’m craving a milkshake or a Cinnabon, he will rush out to get it for me. I will also always let a friend or a stranger pick up something heavy for me, and, most importantly, I no longer feel guilty if I have to cancel plans last minute. Being pregnant is hard work, and you deserve to take advantage of all of the things that make it even the slightest bit easier.

Remind yourself that your fears are normal

As someone with anxiety disorder, my brain perpetually lives in “worst case scenario” land. Being pregnant, it’s even worse, and I find myself actively trying not to get too attached to the baby because I’m scared something bad will happen.

When my stomach hurts, I freak out that something happened to the baby, and when I don’t hurt at all, I freak out that something happened to the baby. When this fear strikes – and it strikes often – it helps to go into a quiet room, lay down, close my eyes, and put my hand over my stomach. I try to focus on the flutters inside my belly to remind myself, “My baby is okay. He’s in there, and he’s moving right now.”

I also try to remind myself that I’m not alone. While being pregnant may seem isolating, it’s something millions of women do each year and will continue to do until the end of human civilization. These fears I’m having, they’re not uncommon, and most women who are freaking out like I am do end up having healthy babies and healthy deliveries.

Instead of Googling, remind yourself of this fact whenever you’re feeling particularly anxious. Continue to get your regular prenatal checkups and talk with your gyno about your worries. Make sure to ask your doctor about medication alternatives, and talk with a psychiatrist or therapist if you need additional help. Most importantly, know that you are doing the best you can, and you have a whole tribe of other mamas behind you who know what you’re going through.

Pregnancy and Mental Illness: Building a new brain while trying not to lose my own

Wow, so the last time I wrote a blog was four months ago – when I talked about doing Dry January ! And while everything I wrote was true, I ...

"When you have social anxiety, the first two drinks don't count. They just turn you into a normal person."

Whenever that meme shows up on social media, I always laugh because...yeah...that definitely describes me (although turning me into a "normal" person is probably a stretch. It's more like those two drinks make me stop caring about acting like a "normal" person). And now that I'm in the midst of "Dry January," I'm even more painfully aware of how true this is.

For those of you who don't know what "Dry January" is, it's when you kick off the New Year by abstaining from alcohol for one month to help reset your body after all the drinking you did over the holidays. My husband's friends have been doing this since I met them, and this year, I decided to join in for the first time.

After my godmother's death shortly before the holidays, to be honest, I'd been drinking more than usual. I was trying to numb the sadness and trying to still be "fun" at Christmas parties. And I could feel myself getting dependent on it. I knew it wasn't healthy, so I figured this would be a good time to take on the "Dry January" challenge — and also a good excuse if anyone bugged me about why I wasn't drinking. But I didn't know how difficult it'd be, even at only a week and a half in (though, to be fair, I did start on New Year's Eve instead of Jan. 1, which was definitely rough).

So, what have I learned so far? Well, it's only heightened my awareness of how awkward I can be, and how much I use alcohol as a social lubricant. It's also made me question everything I say before I say it, and it's made me super self-conscious of being boring in conversations.

I know I'm not alone; it's common for those with anxiety to use alcohol to cope with stress and to help them feel more comfortable in social situations. But it's also important to take a break from alcohol every once in a while for the sake of your health — and to consider cutting it out completely if drinking impacts your everyday life.

So, if you have anxiety like me, and you're struggling to do Dry January — or Dry February, March, April, May, etc. — what should you do? NOTE: These tips are not for those struggling with alcohol use disorder. If you think you have a problem with alcohol or are having withdrawal symptoms, please talk to your doctor or call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357.

First, remind yourself that you'll feel worse before you feel better.

For those who are regular drinkers, a sudden change in this habit will likely cause you to feel irritable and possibly depressed. That's because alcohol does temporarily relieve your anxiety, so when you stop, the hormones rebound and spike to higher levels than before, the New York Times reports. The time it takes to rebalance your hormones varies depending on how much you drink, but, for moderate drinkers, your body's balance will begin to be restored within a few weeks.

So, while you may feel like throwing in the towel on this challenge by the first weekend of January, remind yourself that you won't feel this way forever. In the long run, drinking to inhibit your anxiety is a vicious circle — drinking to feel less anxious, feeling more anxious because you've been drinking, and then drinking more to stop feeling anxious about drinking. But give it some time and you'll enjoy not waking up with the thought, "Oh no, what did I say/do last night?!" And, once you give it a shot, maybe you'll realize you actual enjoy your conversations with friends more when you're sober (and that you'll be more likely to actually remember what was said).

If you're struggling more with the societal pressures of drinking than actually not drinking, sometimes it helps to give your hands something else to do (get your mind out of the gutter, I don't mean anything dirty). Sometimes, I struggle at parties just because I don't have a drink in my hand or don't have something to sip when there's a lull in the conversation. But there are plenty of mocktails and non-alcoholic beers that can give your hands something to do and make you feel like you're still part of the fun.

There's also nothing wrong with avoiding outings at bars if you're struggling. Prioritizing your own mental health is what's most important. With December being go-go-go all the time, I've already slowed down in January, especially since I'm not drinking. I've spent time getting to know myself again and enjoying time by myself. I've been writing more in my journal, watching comfort movies, catching up on text messages and emails, going to the gym, and getting eight to nine hours of sleep each night.

When you do hang out with friends, there are alternative activities you can suggest doing that don't involve booze, like having a movie or game night, going shopping, going to a fitness class, visiting an exhibit, seeing a play, starting a book club, etc. Bonus: These activities will give you something to talk about — or they'll give you something else to do besides just talking — if you're struggling to be social while being sober.

But, for me, the thing I worry about most is that I'll be boring if I don't drink. After all, I'm often the first to suggest a round of shots and to order cocktail #2 during a night out. And I realized, after putting together a video recap of my entire 2023, that, in most of the clips I selected, I had been drinking. This made me worried — what if not drinking makes me not as fun?

But, as psychotherapist Amy Morin writes on Very Well Mind, "When you walk into a situation believing that you can’t have fun sober, this is likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You might even isolate yourself or hold back from having a good time—which will then reinforce your belief (and others) that being sober makes fun impossible."

"(Instead) enter into the situation with a positive attitude, and make the best of your time, even if you’re the only one not drinking. You might actually find that being sober is more enjoyable than you predicted."

And, to be honest, yes being around a bunch of people who are drunk when you are sober probably won't be as much fun as if you were drunk too. But that's not because you're boring. It's because being drunk numbs your senses to make you think you're having fun.

Author William Porter writes in his book Alcohol Explained, “Alcohol doesn’t make things more interesting; it makes your mind stupid so that things that would otherwise have bored it are suddenly enough to occupy it.”

Before you knock it, get to know the person you are without alcohol. Spend your weekend mornings doing something productive, instead of staying in bed until late morning/early afternoon with a hangover. Think about the goals you've wanted to achieve that you may have been putting off. Revel in how much healthier you feel when you cut out the 100 to 300 calories per cocktail, and the money you're saving when you're not spending $10 to $15 per drink.

And, even if you are doing this for only a month, studies show that the benefits last even longer. It provides the opportunity to form new habits and can lead to a significant reduction in alcohol consumption in the future.

“The objective of Dry January is not long-term sobriety — it’s long-term control,” Richard Piper, the CEO of Alcohol Change UK, the nonprofit that first started Dry January told the Washington Post. “It’s about understanding your subconscious triggers, overcoming those, and learning how good it is to not drink. It gives you the power of choice for the rest of the year.”

The struggles of doing 'Dry January' when you're socially anxious

"When you have social anxiety, the first two drinks don't count. They just turn you into a normal person." Whenever that meme ...

Yesterday, I discovered something that doesn't help my mental health. And it's something a lot of people actually swear by. Of all things, I found out that a coloring book — yes, a coloring book — actually made my anxiety worse, not better.

I know, I know, many people find coloring with crayons or markers, like they did as a child, to be soothing and therapeutic. There have even been scientific studies done about the health benefits of coloring. That's why, when my anxiety was particularly bad last night, I thought to myself, "I should try out this coloring thing!"

I dug a coloring book and markers out from a drawer, and for a couple minutes, I was like, "Yeah, okay, this is helping!" But that feeling didn't last. Every time I colored slightly outside the lines, my anxiety grew worse. And then I tried to mix colors, and the colors started bleeding together. Although it was probably salvageable, I went into a tailspin, started hyper-fixating, and, naturally, completely destroyed it.

After about an hour of this, I forced myself to put that mess of a coloring book page back into the drawer. Then I proceeded to berate myself, calling myself incompetent and telling myself I was wasting my life away.

I know it's freaking ridiculous! All over a COLORING BOOK! A coloring book that, ironically enough, is titled "Peace and Calm Coloring." But that exercise in mindfulness turned out to be an exercise in a meltdown for me.

After taking the time to calm down (and, of course, taking a Xanax), I realized it's okay that something which helps a lot of other people doesn't, in fact, help me at all.

Learning how to take care of your own mental health is not a one-size-fits-all solution. It's trial and error, and it's a process. Writing, listening to music, dancing around the house, taking a hot bath, watching a comfort movie, and, for some reason, doing the dishes — those are the things that help me. They may not help you, and that's okay.

The only way you can figure out what helps and doesn't help your mental health is to try it out. Buy a coloring book and try it out. A lot of people have found that it reduces stress, stimulates creativity, and increases mindfulness. And, even though it didn't work for me, it may help you.

Also, remember that something that helps your mental health one day could not help the next. Maybe, if I give it another chance, coloring could help me like it did when I was a kid. Maybe it just wasn't helpful with this particular panic attack. Or maybe coloring with crayons instead of markers would help. I won't know until I try.

Other common activities that may help reduce your anxiety include:

Quick bursts of movements, like doing 20 jumping jacks or running in place when you start to feel anxious.
Practicing mindfulness by focusing on your senses. Close your eyes and really taste your coffee in the morning. Light a candle or use essential oils and breathe in the scents. Focus on your sense of touch by using a fidget spinner or popping bubble wrap or holding onto an ice cube.
Moving your phone out of reach. If I find myself doom scrolling on social media, sometimes I will throw my phone across the room (onto the soft surface of the couch, I'm not an animal!) to make myself stop.
Taking a walk outside. Even if it's cold outside, bundle up and go outside, because daily sunlight and fresh air have been proven to increase serotonin levels.
Try journaling. If I'm feeling particularly anxious, sometimes I will start writing in a stream of consciousness, which often helps me identify my feelings. That's actually how this blog started —me just scribbling in my journal.

Self care is a journey. Sometimes it's a pain the ass to discover what works and doesn't work. It takes a lot of learning and a lot of patience, but it's worth it.

Let me know in the comments what works — and doesn't work —for you.

Learning how to take care of your mental health: It's not a one-size-fits-all solution

Yesterday, I discovered something that doesn't help my mental health. And it's something a lot of people actually swear by. Of all t...

As a kid, I used to find comfort in re-watching movies and TV shows. I've lost count of the times I've watched "The Little Mermaid," "Wizard of Oz" and old "Full House" and "Boy Meets World" episodes.

When I became an adult, I stopped doing this (with the exception of watching the "Barbie" movie three times this year). With such an overload of media, it feels impossible to keep up-to-date with everything I want to watch, let alone have time to re-watch old stuff.

But, I've found that when I'm feeling depressed or particularly anxious, I will revert to that old childhood habit of watching movies and shows I've already seen. And, when I'm feeling like this, sometimes watching something new will actually make me feel worse.

I know I'm not alone; it's a common phenomenon for people with anxiety to re-watch movies and TV series, re-read books, and re-listen to podcasts. But why is that? I think it's because their familiarity provides comfort. There are no surprises; we already know we love it because we've already seen it.

There's nothing worse, in the midst of an anxiety attack, to watch a new movie, and you end up HATING it. Or, even worse, a dog or a cat dies in the movie. Even when the movie is good, you may be too anxious or sad to pay attention to it, so you zone out during entire scenes and have no clue what's happening.

So, it makes sense that someone with anxiety would find comfort in this routine. When someone watches the same show multiple times, their brains process it easier than it would something new, according to The Guest House treatment facility.

"Their cognitive abilities are constantly cluttered by their worries. They have less cognition to give to any activity. Re-watching a show takes their brain less focus and cognitive effort to achieve the same effect," they write.

For me, after the death of my godmother, life in general has felt uncertain and out of my control. As a result, the only reprieve I've had is while watching movies/shows I've already seen and reading books I've already read. Maybe it's because it's the only thing that feels predictable to me right now.

I don't have the mental capacity to get to know new characters or follow along with new plots. Instead, I want to catch up with characters who feel like old friends, and I want to know that everything will work out for them at the end of the movie or episode. I know that Dorothy will, in fact, go home after clicking her heels together. I know Sam and Dean from "Supernatural" will defeat that vampire, werewolf, demon, etc. And I know that Kevin McCallister will outwit the burglars in "Home Alone."

"Nostalgia can lend us much-needed context, perspective and direction, reminding and reassuring us that our life is not as banal as it may seem. It also tells us that there have been, and once again will be, meaningful moments and experiences," psychologist Neel Burton told the Huffington Post.

So, if you are rewatching something, don't feel like it's a waste of time. Just like sleeping isn't a waste of time, rewatching something has a way of re-energizing us after we feel depleted. And, doing something that makes you feel better — I would never consider that a waste of time. We all have different ways of coping, and I think anything that makes your life even the slightest bit easier is worth it.

What are your favorite movies and TV shows to rewatch?

Some of mine are "Never Been Kissed," "The Holiday," "13 Going on 30," "Freaky Friday," any of the "Spiderman" movies, and, of course, "Wizard of Oz." Let me know in the comments what yours are!

Here are some of the answers I got from you on social media:

- "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

- "The Birdcage"

- "The Choice"

- "The Longest Yard"

- "Gilmore Girls"

- "Schitt's Creek"

- "New Girl"

- "How I Met Your Mother"

- "Parks and Rec"

- "Friends"

- "The Office"

- "Fleabag"

How re-watching movies and TV shows helps those with anxiety

As a kid, I used to find comfort in re-watching movies and TV shows. I've lost count of the times I've watched "The Little Merm...

I’m not going to say you should try to be healthy on Thanksgiving, because screw that! This is definitely a day to wear pants with an elastic waistband. And it’s a day to never utter the vilest four letter word of all – diet.

What I am suggesting though is to remember not to overeat.

If a second round of mashed potatoes is passed around the table and you are full, don’t feel bad for saying, “No.” And, if you know pie is coming for dessert, remember not to gorge yourself during dinner.

I’m saying this because I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve forgotten to do just that. I see all the amazing food, and I'll unhinge my jaw to fit as much inside my mouth as I can. And then, without fail, I feel completely miserable afterward. And, instead of wanting to interact with family members, I just want to curl up on the couch and die.

It’s common to feel depressed, to experience anxiety, and to, overall, just be uncomfortable after eating beyond the body’s need for food.

“Overeating causes the stomach to expand beyond its normal size to adjust to the large amount of food. The expanded stomach pushes against other organs, making you uncomfortable. This discomfort can take the form of feeling tired, sluggish or drowsy,” senior research dietitian Erma Levy tells the MD Anderson Center.

One way to avoid overeating is to make sure you eat a normal healthy breakfast the morning of Thanksgiving. I know it may be tempting to skip this meal in an attempt to be able to eat more, but experts say this isn't the solution.

According to InsideTracker, "Research shows that skipping breakfast doesn’t translate into lower daily calorie intake. People that skip breakfast tend to compensate for their lack of morning intake with larger intakes at lunch and dinner. The same is true on Thanksgiving day; however, the foods that you will be compensating with are much higher in calories."

You can also avoid overeating by putting smaller portions of food on your plate. And skip over the selections you are only "meh" about. Don't waste precious stomach space on the foods you don't love.

Then, once you are done with your first portion, wait about 10 to 15 minutes before you go in for seconds. This is about the time it takes for your body to send fullness cues to your brain. After this break in eating, pay attention if you are still actually hungry – or if you’re just eating because the food is there.

For me, I feel like that extra piece of pie that pushes you over the edge just isn’t worth it. If I can go through the day without feeling like I'm going to barf, that is a personal win for me!

Remember to avoid overeating on Thanksgiving

I’m not going to say you should try to be healthy on Thanksgiving, because screw that! This is definitely a day to wear pants with an elasti...

For more than a year, I had been planning a single event taking place on a single day.

It was the summer of last year when we set the date and booked the location for our wedding. Last October when we got our engagement photos taken. January when I picked out the dress I would wear. March when we booked our photographer and DJ. And that wasn’t even the half of it.

The eight months after that consisted of hair and make-up trials, dress alterations, the bridal shower and bachelorette party, making the invitations, picking out decorations, assembling the centerpieces, and more. This all consumed me up until the day of our wedding just a few weeks ago.

Then, in the blink of an eye, it was all over, and I felt like Brittany Murphy’s character from “Just Married” on her wedding night:

Now, it’s back to everyday life. Now, I don’t know what to do with the extra space in my brain that was consumed with wedding planning. And now, the only thing I really want to do is sleep – just go into hibernation like a bear.

I know a lot of people experience this emotional “hangover” after something they’ve been looking forward to is over. It’s the same reason January is deemed the most depressing month of the year – because it’s after the holidays and back to reality. Well, for me, I’m experiencing that feeling two months early.

So, what should you do if, when the thing you’d been planning is over, you suddenly feel unmotivated, listless and maybe even depressed? First of all, know that it’s normal to feel this way; you’re not being dramatic. Mental health professionals have even given this feeling a name: the let-down effect.

"When we think about the process that goes into a big event, including the preparation and anticipation of the event outcomes, it comes along with a lot of dopamine release,” Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed professional counselor in Arizona, tells Livestrong. “(Then) all those biochemicals that had been flooding your body with excitement and anticipation start to deplete and are not as active.”

So, after the big event is over or a big project is completed, take the time to rest, like your body is telling you to do. And don’t feel bad about it.

My now-husband and I spent almost the entire weekend after our honeymoon on the couch, binge-watching the show “The Bear” on Hulu. After being so busy for the last several months, it was hard not to think, “How are you doing nothing right now? You don’t have time for this! Stop being lazy!”

But for the first time in a long time, I actually DID have the time to do nothing. Take advantage of that time, and remind yourself that it’s okay to be lazy. You don’t need to feel guilty about it. Your body deserves – and needs – time to relax.

"Rest and breaks are critical to your function, creativity, and overall wellbeing,” Lana Lipe, a licensed clinical social worker in Hawaii, told Livestrong. “Your worth and value as a person isn't conditional, nor is it something you only deserve when you are producing something.”

It’s also important to take time to appreciate what you did. It’s easy in those quiet moments after a big event to focus on the things that went wrong. I will obsess over the little things, like the fact that hair and make-up ran late or that I completely forgot to order the late-night pizza at the end of the wedding reception, like I had promised. Knock that off!

F. Diane Barth, a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst, wrote on Psychology Today, “Few things live up to our fantasies because our fantasies seldom include the problems of every experience. Before my wedding day, my sister-in-law told me to prepare for something really unpleasant to mar the day. ‘It’s inevitable,' she told me.”

Things go wrong; it happens to everyone. Remember, instead, to think about the good things! I will re-watch the videos on my phone of the bridal party laughing, and re-read the comments people posted on social media, saying how much fun they had. And I will remind myself, “Yes! I pulled it off!”

“Remembering and savoring the event, whether it’s through photos or telling people about it, can help keep the experience alive. Even though it’s done, you still have the memory,” says Dr. Shilagh A. Mirgain of the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health.

“When you achieve (a goal), you receive something indefinable that is something you always carry. No one can take that away from you.”

Dealing with the emotional hangover after an anticipated event is over

For more than a year, I had been planning a single event taking place on a single day. It was the summer of last year when we set the date ...

Attending a Catholic high school, none of my classmates publicly came out as part of the LGBTQ+ community until after graduation.

I saw, firsthand, how some of my peers would date members of the opposite sex before coming out – and, in turn, how depressed they were while hiding who they truly were or pretending to be someone they weren’t.

That’s why it boggles my mind that some people still believe in the myth that “homosexuality is a choice.”

According to the nonprofit Strong Family Alliance, “Scientific data indicates that sexual orientation is biologically based. Homosexuality is no more a choice or decision than being straight. Asking a gay person, ‘When did you decide to be gay?’ is similar to asking a heterosexual person, ‘When did you decide to be attracted to people of the opposite sex?’”

LGBTQ+ individuals are more than twice as likely to experience depression, anxiety, and substance misuse compared with heterosexual individuals. On top of that, the rate of suicide attempts are four times higher for gay, lesbian and bisexual youth and five times higher for transgender individuals than for their cis peers. Whenever anyone says they think being homosexual is a “choice” – I always bring up these statistics and say, “Does that sound like a choice to you?”

Why are members of the queer population more likely to struggle with a mental health condition? No, they don’t struggle with their mental health BECAUSE of their sexual orientation or gender identity. They struggle with their mental health because of the way OTHERS treat them because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, “Like other minority groups, questioning and queer people are often misunderstood, overlooked, and underrepresented in the health care system and societal institutions.”

“Though legal protections have been increasing dramatically, many places do not protect sexual or gender minorities in the workplace, housing, or access to health care. Fears of potential discrimination contribute to some LGBTQ people not seeking the help they need—medically or psychiatrically—in a timely manner, if at all.”

This is why it’s so important, if you’re part of the queer community and you’re struggling with your mental health or just need someone to talk to, that you seek help. By being LGBTQ+, there are a lot of things you have to deal with, such as overt and implicit discrimination, that your cis and heterosexual counterparts don’t. And I know – it’s not fair, and it shouldn’t be this way! But know that you don’t have to do this alone.

You can find a psychiatrist or counselor who is LGBTQ+ affirming by visiting Psychology Today, clicking on the “More” button, and then checking “LGBTQ+” under sexuality. And, even if you’re not LGBTQ+, this is a way to ensure that your psychiatrist or counselor is open and accepting – which, to me, are two of the most important characteristics of someone who I’m blabbering all my dirty laundry to.

The Trevor Project is also a great resource. The organization provides 24/7 crisis support services to LGBTQ+ young people. Trained counselors are available all year round via phone, text or chat. You can call 1-866-488-7386, text “START” to 678-678, or visit https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help.

I understand that trusting and opening up to others can be hard. Afterall, with about 39% of LGBTQ+ individuals saying that they’ve been rejected by a family member or friend, it can be hard to open yourself up to someone else, especially a stranger. But know that there are so many people who are here for you.

That’s why I publicly announce that I’m an ally, why I wear a pin on my jacket that states “You can be yourself with me,” and why I write blogs like this. Because I want you to know that I am a safe space. This is also why psychiatrists and counselors make it a point to share that they are LGBTQ+ affirming. It’s why businesses fly a Pride flag, and why people post a rainbow on their social media – to show that we are here for you, we don’t believe the myths, and we know that being LGBTQ+ isn’t a choice. It's who you are, and we accept you and love you for who you are.

If you are part of the LGBTQ+ community, know that you're not alone

Attending a Catholic high school, none of my classmates publicly came out as part of the LGBTQ+ community until after graduation. I saw, fi...

In the song "Serotonin" by singer-songwriter Girl in Red, she sings, "I get intrusive thoughts like cutting my hands off. Like jumping in front of a bus. Like how do I make this stop."

This is what intrusive thoughts are, but sometimes, people get "intrusive" and "impulsive" confused.

Intrusive thoughts are defined as sudden, involuntary thoughts that are often repetitive and can be disturbing and distressing, while impulsive thoughts and behaviors aren't inherently dangerous. They are spontaneous ideas or quick actions with no thought to the consequences.

"People tend to refer to intrusive and impulsive thoughts interchangeably. The phrase, 'My intrusive thoughts won today,' is even trending on social media, but most of the time it’s not used correctly," writes licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Gaumer on The Psychology Group.

"Intrusive thoughts are more severe, graphic, and frightening than impulsive thoughts. If someone would act on their intrusive thoughts or if they came true, the consequences would be dire. ... People that have impulsive thoughts may actually like the thought or would find some type of pleasure, satisfaction, or humor from engaging in them. Simply, they do not feel guilty, ashamed, or frozen in fear at having these impulses."

So, if your "intrusive thoughts won," you'd probably be dead or in a hospital or in jail, but if your "impulsive thoughts won," you may just have ragged bangs that you cut yourself.

I've definitely acted impulsively my fair share of times. I've been out with friends and decided, "I want a tattoo," then immediately went to a nearby tattoo shop and got one. While maybe I should've thought more about something that was going to be on my body forever, it's not like my impulsive act was dangerous.

On the other hand, when I get an intrusive thought, it's something like "You should take a kitchen knife and drive it into your chest" or "You should walk into traffic" or "You should put your hand in the garbage disposal." This is obviously completely different than, "I'm gonna get a tattoo!" Intrusive thoughts are dangerous and something I should never ever ever ever ever act on.

For the longest time, I thought it meant something was wrong with me. But, as Kelly Bilodeau, former executive editor of Harvard Women's Health Watch, says, "While intrusive thoughts may be disturbing, they aren’t harmful or a sign that you have a secret desire to do the things that popped into your mind."

Why impulsive and intrusive thoughts are misunderstood

Intrusive and impulsive thoughts do have similarities, so it's understandable why they're often mistaken for one other. They are both fairly common, they can be symptoms of various mental illnesses, they're usually spontaneous thoughts, and they both start with the letter "I" and end with "sive."

If you've experienced either or both of these, know you're not alone. Everyone behaves impulsively sometimes, and intrusive thoughts affect about six million Americans, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

But, when intrusive or impulsive thoughts start affecting your daily life, it's important you seek help because it can be a symptom of a mental health disorder. Impulsivity is a symptom of borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, while intrusive thoughts are more likely to be a symptom of anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

When to seek help

If your intrusive thoughts are affecting your ability to perform daily tasks and, especially, if you're ever worried you're actually going to act on these thoughts, it's crucial that you seek help from a mental health professional ASAP. Talk to your health care provider to find out what therapy is best for you.

The Mighty contributor Fairley Lloyd said that a combination of medication and therapy helped her when intrusive thoughts were affecting her daily life and even her will to live.

"One of the most important things I learned with therapy that I still take with me today is that not every thought reflects your beliefs. Thoughts are often random and come out of nowhere, but that doesn’t mean you have to entertain every thought you have. And, though it is difficult to ignore them when you have an anxiety disorder, it is possible to overcome the insurmountable responsibility you assign yourself to every thought you have that is not necessarily your own," she writes.

While I've talked a lot about how harmful intrusive thoughts can be, impulsive behaviors can also be harmful. It's not just getting a random tattoo or cutting your hair (although if you're getting so many tattoos that you can't afford basic necessities — yeah, you should probably get help for that too).

For instance, one time when I was angry, I impulsively threw a TV remote across the room. This action didn't hurt anyone — except for that piece of plastic — but it was definitely not a healthy coping mechanism. It led to a huge argument with my fiancé, and was something I regretted immediately after doing it.

If you lack impulse control, you are more likely to have anger and aggression issues, and it can also be a risk factor for addictive and other self-destructive behaviors. Of course, when this happens, that's when impulsivity becomes a problem.

Because impulsivity stems from disrupted neurochemistry in the prefrontal lobe of the brain, medication can help decrease impulsive tendencies, and cognitive therapy can also be beneficial. For more tips on how to handle impulsive behavior, click here to read on article on The Mighty.

If you are struggling with impulsivity or intrusive thoughts, talk to your primary care physician, who can treat mental health issues or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

What's the difference between impulsive and intrusive thoughts?

In the song "Serotonin" by singer-songwriter Girl in Red, she sings, "I get intrusive thoughts like cutting my hands off. Lik...

You can do it. You are loved. Know your worth. You are a bad ass. It’s ok to not be ok. Nothing is impossible.

Doesn’t it give you warm fuzzies just reading these words of encouragement? I’ve had a particularly bad bout of anxiety this week with negative thoughts constantly intruding my brain – but seeing these words helped me feel better.

The words were printed on magnets and temporary tattoos, laid out at a Mental Health Awareness Month event I attended yesterday. Ange Zelenak, founder of the Inkcourage brand and overall bad ass, was giving away these items and encouraging attendees to carry out random acts of kindness, such as saying thank you to a person who has influenced their life.

Even though I just met her yesterday, I want to say thank you to Ange, who helped lift my spirits and bring a smile to the faces of everyone who attended Easterseals MORC’s Empowered Interactive Luncheon.

I volunteered at the event with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, where I work, and I was lucky enough to meet Ange and hear her story. In a world where we are constantly bombarded with negative news, self-doubt, and people stampeding over each other in a race to the top, this movement of kindness that Ange has started gave me a renewed faith in humanity. And I hope her story inspires you as much as it did me.

‘It all started because of mental health’

Fresh out of college in 2016, Ange started the brand Inkcourage as a way to help her peers as they emerged into adulthood. Ya know, like applying for adult jobs, moving out on their own, deciding what they’re going to do with their lives, and all the uncertainty that comes during this stage of life. Ange said she went through her own mental health struggles in high school and college and wanted to help others not feel alone.

“After college, it felt like we were all going through something, and we were worried about ‘What’s next.’ It was overwhelming, and I didn’t really talk about it because I didn’t think other people would understand. Then I realized everyone else was going through it too,” said Ange, who graduated from the College for Creative Studies with a degree in product design.

Ange started out designing about 30 temporary tattoos, giving them to one of her friends who was going through a particularly hard time. The tattoos had positive phrases on them to remind her friend that someone cared about her.

“It all started because of mental health. I know everyone is going through their own struggles – whether you want to talk about it or not – and it was really important to me to feel like I was there for other people. A lot of times in my life, I've felt isolated – and I know my friends have too – and I wanted to help others not feel that way. Sometimes we just need other people to remind us of our greatness or how awesome we are,” she said.

Dream Big

For six years, Ange sold her products online and at pop-up stores at Eastern Market and fairs across the state. But, just six months ago, she opened her own shop in downtown Royal Oak. There, she sells, of course, the temporary tattoos, along with shirts, hats, jewelry, coffee mugs, candles, stickers, buttons and more. She also hosts different events where attendees can connect with like-minded individuals while taking part in fun activities, like making candles or eating macarons.

Starting her own business at age 23 and opening her own store at 30, Ange hopes she can help inspire others to follow their dreams.

“I always tell people to go and dream big, and I decided I needed to follow my own advice. This is what I wanted to do – so I’m going to try it. Of course, opening up your own store is really scary, but you need to take risks and go after what you want,” she said.

Some people may talk to their hairdresser or their bartender or their priest about their problems, and Ange has found, since opening the store, she has become that person for people too – a job which she has happily accepted. Even though she’s not a psychologist, she knows firsthand the power that comes from opening up to someone else – even, and maybe especially, to a stranger.

When customers see “It’s ok to not be ok” at her store, they can tell – this is a woman who is accepting. This is a woman who will listen. This is a woman who won’t judge me. And this is a woman I can trust.

“A lot of people tell me their stories and feel comfortable opening up to me. I feel like they’re almost more relieved to tell a stranger than someone they’re close with. I don’t think they need someone to solve their problems; they just want to talk about it. We all need to let it out sometimes,” she said.

You can visit Inkcourage at 220 W 4th St, Royal Oak, MI from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Tuesday through Sunday. For more information about Ange, her business and her empowerment movement, visit https://inkcourage.org or follow her on Instagram @GiveInkCourage.

Mental Health Spotlight: Local businesswoman encourages others to believe in themselves

You can do it. You are loved. Know your worth. You are a bad ass. It’s ok to not be ok. Nothing is impossible. Doesn’t it give you warm fuz...

I have noticed something about my anxiety over the years – that, almost every year, it feels like my anxiety heightens around mid-March/early-April.

Each year, it comes as a surprise to me. All of the sudden, I'm feeling overwhelmed and anxious out of my mind – and I think to myself, "What's happening to me?" And then I remember...oh yeah it's the beginning of spring.

But why March and April? I know it's common for the winter months to affect people's mental health. But the spring? When temperatures are finally getting warmer? Why would that affect my mental health?

I know that when someone struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder, they usually start to feel down in the fall and winter and then they begin to feel better in the spring. For me, my mental health always feels at its worse around November and December, then I'm fine the rest of the winter, and then my mental health plummets again in the beginning of spring. Then I'm feeling better by the end of April into May and during the summer and even into the fall.

But, man, there's something about November and March that hit me hard. And the thing is that seasonal changes – and that means any seasonal changes, not just in the winter – can affect some people's mental health. And that's because, I don't know about you, but change is one of my top anxiety triggers – even if the change is good.

For instance, whenever I've started a new job – even when I'm so excited about the new adventure – I am a freaking anxious mess for at least a couple weeks. The same goes for when the seasons change. Your daily activities may change as the days grow warmer, so it's normal that you may have a bit of an adjustment period for that as well.

According to HealthyPlace.com, "Our circadian rhythms change with the increased length and intensity of sunlight, affecting sleep-wake cycles, energy, and mood. Studies have shown that both suicide rates and manic episodes of bipolar disorder peak during the spring season due to change in our circadian rhythm."

"While it can be refreshing to be able to spend more time outdoors and do different activities, it’s still a change our minds and bodies must adjust to."

It's easy to assume that people's moods have improved because it's now spring, but we still need to check in our friends and family – those who are struggling with their mental health – in these warmer months too.

Bernie Fox, a semi-retired mental health counselor, shared on Medium.com that his son Zac lost his life to suicide in the early spring more than a decade and a half ago. Even though Zac had a history of depression, Bernie said he had no concerns about him contemplating suicide. After all, it was almost Easter, and Zac was looking forward to enjoying time outdoors. The day Zac died seemed to be one of his "better days," so Bernie had no idea it would be the last day he would see his son alive.

"Here is an explicit advisory: The return of sunny days, the fresh air of spring, may negatively affect those having experienced depression during the dark months of winter. ... (I) encourage you to come alongside someone you know is suffering, despite, or perhaps because of, the arrival of spring. To do what you can, even in the smallest of ways, let them know that they are not alone," said Bernie.

Sad in the spring: Mental health challenges can strike during any season

I have noticed something about my anxiety over the years – that, almost every year, it feels like my anxiety heightens around mid-March/earl...

Did you know that women are more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression than men?

It shouldn't be all that surprising. Just think of all the things our bodies go through — puberty, PMS, birth control, pregnancy, postpartum and menopause, to name a few. All of these things cause changes in our hormone levels, and this can alter the neurotransmitters that affect our mood.

But it's not just hormonal changes that make depression more likely in women. It's also the inequalities we still face. We still experience a pay gap and unequal power in the workplace, with women holding only 35% of senior leadership positions. Women are also more likely to experience sexual harassment and abuse than our male counterparts. In fact, 81% of women, compared to 43% of men, have experienced some type of sexual harassment in their lives.

Of course, on top of all this, we also experience more body image issues than men. According to the U.S. Office on Women, "This may be because many women in the United States feel pressured to measure up to strict and unrealistic social and cultural beauty ideals, which can lead to a negative body image. ... Young girls and teens are more likely to be praised for how they look than for their thoughts or actions."

The craziest thing of all is that often, these pressures, judgements and ideals are coming from OTHER WOMEN! Umm...seriously? We know what it's like to struggle with everything mentioned above, so shouldn't we have each other's backs? Shouldn't we be able to rely on each other for support?

But the sad truth is that this is often not the case.

I recently saw a photoshoot posted on social media of Millie Bobby Brown and Saddie Sink, the young actresses of "Stranger Things." When I looked at the comments, nearly all of them were comparing the two. "Millie is more beautiful," and "No, Saddie is." And most of these comments were from, you guessed it — women!

I couldn't help but think, "What if either of them read these comments?!" And it made me sick. Why do we find the need to compare women, and why do we feel the need to pit two women against each other? And, even more so, why do we feel the need to constantly comment on the way women look? Not a single comment was about their talent, like, "Wow, these are two amazing actresses!"

Can you imagine if there was an image of two of their co-stars, like Finn Wolfhard and Noah Schapp? Would many — or ANY — of the comments be about which one is better looking? I can almost guarantee that, if there were any comments like these, none would be from men degrading other men's looks. So why do women do it?

I can't even tell you the number of times I've heard a woman find her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend on social media — and absolutely destroy the way she looks. They'll analyze everything about her and make fun of her. I get it, you're mad at the guy — but why do we project this anger onto another woman who did nothing wrong? Why do we degrade her and say things about her we would never want anyone to say about us?

This is wrong, and it's a cycle that needs to stop. Women putting other women down. Women fighting other women over men. Women talking bad about other women behind their backs. Sometimes, we're seriously our own worst enemy.

Think of all that women could accomplish if we just had each other's backs, instead of competing with one another. Of course it's not a cure-all for depression, but I really do believe, if more women supported other women, our mental health would significantly benefit from it.

As women, we need to do better at supporting each other

Did you know that women are more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression than men? It shouldn't be all that surprising. Ju...

Over the weekend, I donned a band tee, ripped skinny jeans, and Vans to attend the Emo Night Brooklyn show in Detroit. And, at the event, someone said something that stuck with me —"Emos are the suicidal youth who survived. That's why I love us."

Emo, of course, is short for "emotional." So it's no wonder that many of us who were drawn to emo music as teens grew up to be diagnosed with a mental illness. No, I'm not saying emo music causes depression — but, according to a study by the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, it is more likely for depressed teenagers to turn to music for support.

For me, I first discovered emo and pop-punk music in 2003, my sophomore year, when I noticed someone in my class wearing Dashboard Confessional and Lostprophets band tees. I had never heard of the bands but, for some reason, decided to impulsively buy their CDs with my allowance — just based on a random classmate's shirts.

Listening to their music, I was instantly hooked — a love which grew even more thanks to the release of the emo-filled "Spider-man 2" soundtrack in 2004. Even though my family didn't have cable, I would watch MTV whenever we would go on vacation — discovering songs like "Fat Lip" by Sum 41, "Helena" by My Chemical Romance, "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence, "Ocean Avenue" by Yellowcard and "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy.

This was some of the first music I fell in love with on my own, not because my parents or my friends liked it, but because I was inspired by the lyrics — lyrics which I, of course, would doodle in my notebooks or use to caption my MySpace photos. At the time, I didn't really know that these songs were considered "emo." All I knew was that "emo" was a word that "popular" kids used to make fun of their sensitive, shy, eye-liner-wearing peers — a word which I definitely had been called when going through my own depression in high school. So, as a teenager, I thought "emo" was an insult.

According to an article in the Daily Dot, "Much of the impetus behind emo hate mirrors the stigma associated with mental illness — a distinct and serious problem among teenagers. ... When emo is made a target of ridicule, kids who turn to the music while struggling against a mental illness are likewise pushed further from the care they require."

Now, about 20 years later, thanks to the modern emo/pop-punk revival and the fight to destigmatize mental illness, more and more people are realizing that being emotional, struggling with depression, and relating to these sometimes sad and angry songs — it's nothing to be ashamed of.

And now, us teenage outcasts are in our 30s and 40s, and we're self-realized adults who still join together to appreciate the music and celebrate that we survived our collective mental illnesses. While we may not have been cool kids, I think we're pretty damn cool adults if I say so myself.

How emo music helped me realize I had a mental illness

Over the weekend, I donned a band tee, ripped skinny jeans, and Vans to attend the Emo Night Brooklyn show in Detroit. And, at the event, ...