Postpartum changes aren't easy for anyone
Whether you believe in God or the Big Bang Theory, we can all agree that reproduction is necessary for the continuation of the human race. But, considering that the fate of humanity depends on procreation, I've realized, since becoming a mom myself, that God or Mother Nature or whoever could've made things a bit easier for us.
For one, why are newborn babies approximately the size of a watermelon when they have to squeeze out of a hole smaller than a lemon? As you can tell, I have some beef with the man (or woman) upstairs who made that engineering decision. Especially after 4.5 hours of pushing out an 8-pound 12-ounce baby.
While I won't get into that, I am going to talk about the problem I have with the changes parents go through, both cognitively and hormonally, after having a child.
Tell me, who thought it would be a good idea to put someone in charge of keeping a new person alive while, at the same time, rapidly dropping their estrogen and progesterone levels and making them more prone to depression? It's like your boss telling you, "Hey, I know I hired you to take on this new job, but I'm not giving you electricity in your office. Best of luck!" Because yeah, sometimes it really does feel like I'm in the dark.
We are not set up for success when we decide to become parents. For me, while I love my son and I love being a new mom, bawling my eyes out about once a day has really put a damper on the whole experience. And then I feel guilty because I know I'm lucky and I should be happy.
But then I remember – it's actually not my fault. For those of you who are new parents who are also feeling depressed, anxious and/or overwhelmed, please know it's not your fault either. It's biology's fault.
So, what can you do if you're feeling this way post-birth?
Seek professional help
First and foremost, as I always say, it's important to reach out to a healthcare professional.
For my husband and me, we started couples therapy a couple weeks ago. While fathers may not go through the same changes as the mother, their lives still go through a huge transformation after the birth of a child. And, like women, men may also experience hormonal changes, gray matter reduction and, of course, sleep deprivation. That's why I think it's important for both the birthing person and their partner to seek support.
Get enough sleep
Speaking of sleep, it's essential to the mental health of new parents to get enough rest —which I know is easier said than done. What I've found helps in these early months is not turning a one person job into a two person job. For instance, when I'm feeding our baby at night, my husband will often want to stay awake with me to keep me company. And I'll tell him, "No, go to sleep! I can handle this! Just return the favor tomorrow!" It only takes one person to feed/change/rock the baby to sleep, so it's important to switch off these duties so you aren't both going without sleep, which doesn't help anybody.
Give yourself grace
Your body won't look like it used to. And your house definitely won't be as clean as it used to be — probably ever again. You'll probably be late to outings more often than not. And you may find yourself struggling to keep up with your social circle. Don't beat yourself up; after all, your whole life just completely changed. Give yourself some grace in figuring things out and finding your new normal.
Make time for yourself and other adults
It's also helpful to make time for fellow adults. During maternity leave, while spending hours upon hours alone with a baby who obviously can't speak English, my brain felt like it was turning into mush. That's why I tried to get out of the house as much as I could, whether it was going to a lactation support group with other moms or just walking a couple laps at the mall with a friend. And, while I dreaded returning to work at first, now I can tell it's helping my mental health to talk with other adults everyday and to feel like my own person again.
While the new title of mommy or daddy is an important one, it's also important to retain your own sense of identity. For me, it can be rough feeling like a milk-making machine, instead of an actual human being, and to always be thinking of someone else's needs over my own. But, as my husband always reminds me, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others with theirs.
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