There’s a famous saying that goes, “Women become mothers the moment they know they’re pregnant. Men become fathers the moment the child is born.”
But, in our family, it’s been the opposite. My husband became a father the moment he found out I was pregnant. For me, I’m not there yet.
This can be taboo for women to admit – when it shouldn’t be. While many women do fall in love with their unborn babies as soon as they see the two pink lines appear on their pregnancy tests, for others, it doesn’t happen quite that way. And that’s okay; it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!
For me – someone who struggled with anxiety even when I wasn’t pregnant – I’m constantly nervous that something bad will happen. And that’s made it difficult to get too attached. Before every gynecologist appointment, I prep myself for bad news, which makes it hard to let myself actually get excited about the baby.
Another reason for not feeling that immediate connection is because pregnancy is hard! It can be difficult to feel this outpouring of love for an unborn baby who, obviously at no fault of their own, is causing hormonal changes, nausea, aching joints, lightning crotch, exhaustion and more. For me, sometimes I get so consumed by the here-and-now that I lose sight of what the end result is going to be.
It can also be hard to feel connected with someone you’ve never met before! Even though my baby is inside of me, I don’t actually know him. I don’t know what he looks like or what it feels like to hold him in my arms or when his birthday will be or even what his name will be for sure. So, he still feels like just an abstract idea. I keep having to remind myself, “There’s an actual human growing in my belly!” because, still, seven months into the pregnancy, it doesn’t feel real.
While it’s easy to feel alone in these feelings, know that it’s very normal. Statistics show that at least one in four pregnant women feel little attachment to their unborn child. Some common reasons include physical discomfort; a mood disorder, like depression or anxiety; unplanned pregnancy; previous loss; and/or a fear of the unknown.
In a personal essay for Elle Magazine, former tennis player Serena Williams shared that she, too, struggled to bond with her daughter before she was born.
She wrote, “Throughout my pregnancy, I’d never felt a connection with her. While I loved being pregnant, I didn’t have that amazing Oh my God, this is my baby moment, ever. It’s something people don’t usually talk about, because we’re supposed to be in love from the first second.”
“I kept waiting to feel like I knew her during pregnancy, but the feeling never came. Some of my mom friends told me they didn’t feel the connection in the womb either, which made me feel better, but still, I longed for it.”
Not having this connection may make you nervous about how you’ll feel after the baby is born. But it’s common for parents not to connect with their baby until after the birth or even months later. It’s a process that takes time, but most parents – about 95% according to a study in the Upsala Journal of Medical Sciences – get there within the first six months of a child’s life.
So, stop feeling like there’s a way you should feel during your pregnancy. Every pregnancy is different. Just because you have these feelings before your baby, that has no precedent over the kind of mother you’ll be after the baby is born!
There’s a famous saying that goes, “Women become mothers the moment they know they’re pregnant. Men become fathers the moment th...
