Meant to Live: 2024

Whether you believe in God or the Big Bang Theory, we can all agree that reproduction is necessary for the continuation of the human race. But, considering that the fate of humanity depends on procreation, I've realized, since becoming a mom myself, that God or Mother Nature or whoever could've made things a bit easier for us.

For one, why are newborn babies approximately the size of a watermelon when they have to squeeze out of a hole smaller than a lemon? As you can tell, I have some beef with the man (or woman) upstairs who made that engineering decision. Especially after 4.5 hours of pushing out an 8-pound 12-ounce baby.

While I won't get into that, I am going to talk about the problem I have with the changes parents go through, both cognitively and hormonally, after having a child.

Tell me, who thought it would be a good idea to put someone in charge of keeping a new person alive while, at the same time, rapidly dropping their estrogen and progesterone levels and making them more prone to depression? It's like your boss telling you, "Hey, I know I hired you to take on this new job, but I'm not giving you electricity in your office. Best of luck!" Because yeah, sometimes it really does feel like I'm in the dark.

We are not set up for success when we decide to become parents. For me, while I love my son and I love being a new mom, bawling my eyes out about once a day has really put a damper on the whole experience. And then I feel guilty because I know I'm lucky and I should be happy.

But then I remember – it's actually not my fault. For those of you who are new parents who are also feeling depressed, anxious and/or overwhelmed, please know it's not your fault either. It's biology's fault.

So, what can you do if you're feeling this way post-birth?

Seek professional help

First and foremost, as I always say, it's important to reach out to a healthcare professional.

For my husband and me, we started couples therapy a couple weeks ago. While fathers may not go through the same changes as the mother, their lives still go through a huge transformation after the birth of a child. And, like women, men may also experience hormonal changes, gray matter reduction and, of course, sleep deprivation. That's why I think it's important for both the birthing person and their partner to seek support.

Get enough sleep

Speaking of sleep, it's essential to the mental health of new parents to get enough rest —which I know is easier said than done. What I've found helps in these early months is not turning a one person job into a two person job. For instance, when I'm feeding our baby at night, my husband will often want to stay awake with me to keep me company. And I'll tell him, "No, go to sleep! I can handle this! Just return the favor tomorrow!" It only takes one person to feed/change/rock the baby to sleep, so it's important to switch off these duties so you aren't both going without sleep, which doesn't help anybody.

Give yourself grace

Your body won't look like it used to. And your house definitely won't be as clean as it used to be — probably ever again. You'll probably be late to outings more often than not. And you may find yourself struggling to keep up with your social circle. Don't beat yourself up; after all, your whole life just completely changed. Give yourself some grace in figuring things out and finding your new normal.

Make time for yourself and other adults

It's also helpful to make time for fellow adults. During maternity leave, while spending hours upon hours alone with a baby who obviously can't speak English, my brain felt like it was turning into mush. That's why I tried to get out of the house as much as I could, whether it was going to a lactation support group with other moms or just walking a couple laps at the mall with a friend. And, while I dreaded returning to work at first, now I can tell it's helping my mental health to talk with other adults everyday and to feel like my own person again.

While the new title of mommy or daddy is an important one, it's also important to retain your own sense of identity. For me, it can be rough feeling like a milk-making machine, instead of an actual human being, and to always be thinking of someone else's needs over my own. But, as my husband always reminds me, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others with theirs.

Postpartum changes aren't easy for anyone

Whether you believe in God or the Big Bang Theory, we can all agree that reproduction is necessary for the continuation of the h...

There’s a famous saying that goes, “Women become mothers the moment they know they’re pregnant. Men become fathers the moment the child is born.”

But, in our family, it’s been the opposite. My husband became a father the moment he found out I was pregnant. For me, I’m not there yet.

This can be taboo for women to admit – when it shouldn’t be. While many women do fall in love with their unborn babies as soon as they see the two pink lines appear on their pregnancy tests, for others, it doesn’t happen quite that way. And that’s okay; it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!

For me – someone who struggled with anxiety even when I wasn’t pregnant – I’m constantly nervous that something bad will happen. And that’s made it difficult to get too attached. Before every gynecologist appointment, I prep myself for bad news, which makes it hard to let myself actually get excited about the baby.

Another reason for not feeling that immediate connection is because pregnancy is hard! It can be difficult to feel this outpouring of love for an unborn baby who, obviously at no fault of their own, is causing hormonal changes, nausea, aching joints, lightning crotch, exhaustion and more. For me, sometimes I get so consumed by the here-and-now that I lose sight of what the end result is going to be.

It can also be hard to feel connected with someone you’ve never met before! Even though my baby is inside of me, I don’t actually know him. I don’t know what he looks like or what it feels like to hold him in my arms or when his birthday will be or even what his name will be for sure. So, he still feels like just an abstract idea. I keep having to remind myself, “There’s an actual human growing in my belly!” because, still, seven months into the pregnancy, it doesn’t feel real.

While it’s easy to feel alone in these feelings, know that it’s very normal. Statistics show that at least one in four pregnant women feel little attachment to their unborn child. Some common reasons include physical discomfort; a mood disorder, like depression or anxiety; unplanned pregnancy; previous loss; and/or a fear of the unknown.

In a personal essay for Elle Magazine, former tennis player Serena Williams shared that she, too, struggled to bond with her daughter before she was born.

She wrote, “Throughout my pregnancy, I’d never felt a connection with her. While I loved being pregnant, I didn’t have that amazing Oh my God, this is my baby moment, ever. It’s something people don’t usually talk about, because we’re supposed to be in love from the first second.”

“I kept waiting to feel like I knew her during pregnancy, but the feeling never came. Some of my mom friends told me they didn’t feel the connection in the womb either, which made me feel better, but still, I longed for it.”

Not having this connection may make you nervous about how you’ll feel after the baby is born. But it’s common for parents not to connect with their baby until after the birth or even months later. It’s a process that takes time, but most parents – about 95% according to a study in the Upsala Journal of Medical Sciences – get there within the first six months of a child’s life.

So, stop feeling like there’s a way you should feel during your pregnancy. Every pregnancy is different. Just because you have these feelings before your baby, that has no precedent over the kind of mother you’ll be after the baby is born!

How mood disorders and physical discomfort can affect bond with unborn baby

There’s a famous saying that goes, “Women become mothers the moment they know they’re pregnant. Men become fathers the moment th...

Wow, so the last time I wrote a blog was four months ago – when I talked about doing Dry January! And while everything I wrote was true, I may not have been completely honest.

While I did do Dry January, I’ve also been doing Dry February, March, April and May… because I’m pregnant! And that’s why I’ve taken such a long hiatus. Because, well, pregnancy is a lot harder than I thought it would be!

If I’m being honest, I really didn’t prepare for this at all. I’d always been on the fence about having children of my own. When I saw other people’s babies, I never had that tingle in my ovaries, thinking, “Oh my god! I want one!” Instead, I thought, “Oh, he/she is cute…okay, that’s enough, you can have them back now!”

But, for my husband – just like some people you meet and know they were born to be a singer or a scientist or whatever – I’ve always known that he was born to be a dad someday. Without a doubt, I knew that’s what he was meant to do.

So, being with someone I could actually picture having a child with for the first time, I decided to “take out the goalie” (aka stop taking my birth control) soon after we got married – thinking, “Okay, whatever happens, happens!” Not knowing how my 35-year-old uterus would react, I thought I’d have time to prepare. But that ended up not being the case as, the very next month, I watched as the word “Pregnant” appeared on my plastic test.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize how lucky I am that I didn’t have to struggle. I know for so many people that’s not the case. But, when it happened for me right away, I was not mentally or emotionally prepared AT ALL, and I had not weaned myself off my anxiety medication like I thought I would. So, all of the sudden, I had to cut myself off cold turkey. And, let me tell you, it was rough.

I knew I was supposed to be ecstatic about the news, but instead, I felt so depressed that I, honestly, just wanted to die. Now I know that was because, on top of all the changes going on inside my body, I was also going through withdrawal. And, while it took some time to figure it all out, I found ways I could take care of myself and my mental health while being pregnant.

There are still meds you can take

I found out from my gynecologist that I could keep taking my daily Celexa medication while pregnant. Celexa is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). Certain SSRIs are an option during pregnancy because they aren’t linked to birth defects, and they have been proven to pose the lowest risk to unborn babies compared to other antidepressants. This has helped me continue to regulate my mental health throughout my pregnancy.

Unfortunately, I did learn that the Xanax I was taking is a “Category D drug," meaning it could lead to complications for my baby, such as miscarriage, developmental abnormalities, preterm delivery and dependence on the drug after birth. My gynecologist advised that I stop taking that and also stop taking Trazodone, which I used to help me sleep.

My gyno told me that a good alternative for Trazodone is the over-the-counter drug Unisom, which is considered safe during pregnancy. And, while it took about a month for the Unisom to work – since I was still getting used to being off Trazodone – it has really helped me sleep ever since. If that doesn’t work for you and you need something stronger, other safe options for pregnant women are imipramine or amitriptyline, which can be prescribed to you by a doctor.

Sadly, there isn’t really a safe drug comparable to the fast-acting effects of Xanax. But there was one thing my gynecologist told me that helped me feel a little better. After the first trimester, she said, “You can still take Xanax once a month AT MOST in case of an emergency!” (Note: MAKE SURE to ask your own gynecologist before doing this). I’ve only taken advantage of this advice once since finding out I was pregnant – taking a 10 mg Xanax when I was about to have a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the office. But just knowing it’s there if I need it – even if I don’t actually use it – has felt like a relief and has helped me cope, at least more than I did when I thought it wasn’t an option at all.

Let others support you

I realized that besides, obviously, cutting out medication cold turkey, there was something else that was really harming my mental health during my early pregnancy. And that was keeping it a secret.

While many people choose to wait 12 weeks to tell anyone, I decided to tell my close family and friends earlier than that because I really needed the support. I realized, why am I waiting when, if anything did happen to the baby, these are the people I would tell anyways.

So, if you’re feeling alone and want to tell your mom or your best friend right away, then do it! There’s no rule for when you should start telling people. Let people support you.

I’ve also learned to ask for help. If I don’t feel good, I have no problem asking my husband to take on my fair share of the chores so I can relax. And I take full advantage of the fact that, if I tell my husband I’m craving a milkshake or a Cinnabon, he will rush out to get it for me. I will also always let a friend or a stranger pick up something heavy for me, and, most importantly, I no longer feel guilty if I have to cancel plans last minute. Being pregnant is hard work, and you deserve to take advantage of all of the things that make it even the slightest bit easier.

Remind yourself that your fears are normal

As someone with anxiety disorder, my brain perpetually lives in “worst case scenario” land. Being pregnant, it’s even worse, and I find myself actively trying not to get too attached to the baby because I’m scared something bad will happen.

When my stomach hurts, I freak out that something happened to the baby, and when I don’t hurt at all, I freak out that something happened to the baby. When this fear strikes – and it strikes often – it helps to go into a quiet room, lay down, close my eyes, and put my hand over my stomach. I try to focus on the flutters inside my belly to remind myself, “My baby is okay. He’s in there, and he’s moving right now.”

I also try to remind myself that I’m not alone. While being pregnant may seem isolating, it’s something millions of women do each year and will continue to do until the end of human civilization. These fears I’m having, they’re not uncommon, and most women who are freaking out like I am do end up having healthy babies and healthy deliveries.

Instead of Googling, remind yourself of this fact whenever you’re feeling particularly anxious. Continue to get your regular prenatal checkups and talk with your gyno about your worries. Make sure to ask your doctor about medication alternatives, and talk with a psychiatrist or therapist if you need additional help. Most importantly, know that you are doing the best you can, and you have a whole tribe of other mamas behind you who know what you’re going through.

Pregnancy and Mental Illness: Building a new brain while trying not to lose my own

Wow, so the last time I wrote a blog was four months ago – when I talked about doing Dry January ! And while everything I wrote was true, I ...

"When you have social anxiety, the first two drinks don't count. They just turn you into a normal person."

Whenever that meme shows up on social media, I always laugh because...yeah...that definitely describes me (although turning me into a "normal" person is probably a stretch. It's more like those two drinks make me stop caring about acting like a "normal" person). And now that I'm in the midst of "Dry January," I'm even more painfully aware of how true this is.

For those of you who don't know what "Dry January" is, it's when you kick off the New Year by abstaining from alcohol for one month to help reset your body after all the drinking you did over the holidays. My husband's friends have been doing this since I met them, and this year, I decided to join in for the first time.

After my godmother's death shortly before the holidays, to be honest, I'd been drinking more than usual. I was trying to numb the sadness and trying to still be "fun" at Christmas parties. And I could feel myself getting dependent on it. I knew it wasn't healthy, so I figured this would be a good time to take on the "Dry January" challenge — and also a good excuse if anyone bugged me about why I wasn't drinking. But I didn't know how difficult it'd be, even at only a week and a half in (though, to be fair, I did start on New Year's Eve instead of Jan. 1, which was definitely rough).

So, what have I learned so far? Well, it's only heightened my awareness of how awkward I can be, and how much I use alcohol as a social lubricant. It's also made me question everything I say before I say it, and it's made me super self-conscious of being boring in conversations.

I know I'm not alone; it's common for those with anxiety to use alcohol to cope with stress and to help them feel more comfortable in social situations. But it's also important to take a break from alcohol every once in a while for the sake of your health — and to consider cutting it out completely if drinking impacts your everyday life.

So, if you have anxiety like me, and you're struggling to do Dry January — or Dry February, March, April, May, etc. — what should you do? NOTE: These tips are not for those struggling with alcohol use disorder. If you think you have a problem with alcohol or are having withdrawal symptoms, please talk to your doctor or call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357.

First, remind yourself that you'll feel worse before you feel better.

For those who are regular drinkers, a sudden change in this habit will likely cause you to feel irritable and possibly depressed. That's because alcohol does temporarily relieve your anxiety, so when you stop, the hormones rebound and spike to higher levels than before, the New York Times reports. The time it takes to rebalance your hormones varies depending on how much you drink, but, for moderate drinkers, your body's balance will begin to be restored within a few weeks.

So, while you may feel like throwing in the towel on this challenge by the first weekend of January, remind yourself that you won't feel this way forever. In the long run, drinking to inhibit your anxiety is a vicious circle — drinking to feel less anxious, feeling more anxious because you've been drinking, and then drinking more to stop feeling anxious about drinking. But give it some time and you'll enjoy not waking up with the thought, "Oh no, what did I say/do last night?!" And, once you give it a shot, maybe you'll realize you actual enjoy your conversations with friends more when you're sober (and that you'll be more likely to actually remember what was said).

If you're struggling more with the societal pressures of drinking than actually not drinking, sometimes it helps to give your hands something else to do (get your mind out of the gutter, I don't mean anything dirty). Sometimes, I struggle at parties just because I don't have a drink in my hand or don't have something to sip when there's a lull in the conversation. But there are plenty of mocktails and non-alcoholic beers that can give your hands something to do and make you feel like you're still part of the fun.

There's also nothing wrong with avoiding outings at bars if you're struggling. Prioritizing your own mental health is what's most important. With December being go-go-go all the time, I've already slowed down in January, especially since I'm not drinking. I've spent time getting to know myself again and enjoying time by myself. I've been writing more in my journal, watching comfort movies, catching up on text messages and emails, going to the gym, and getting eight to nine hours of sleep each night.

When you do hang out with friends, there are alternative activities you can suggest doing that don't involve booze, like having a movie or game night, going shopping, going to a fitness class, visiting an exhibit, seeing a play, starting a book club, etc. Bonus: These activities will give you something to talk about — or they'll give you something else to do besides just talking — if you're struggling to be social while being sober.

But, for me, the thing I worry about most is that I'll be boring if I don't drink. After all, I'm often the first to suggest a round of shots and to order cocktail #2 during a night out. And I realized, after putting together a video recap of my entire 2023, that, in most of the clips I selected, I had been drinking. This made me worried — what if not drinking makes me not as fun?

But, as psychotherapist Amy Morin writes on Very Well Mind, "When you walk into a situation believing that you can’t have fun sober, this is likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You might even isolate yourself or hold back from having a good time—which will then reinforce your belief (and others) that being sober makes fun impossible."

"(Instead) enter into the situation with a positive attitude, and make the best of your time, even if you’re the only one not drinking. You might actually find that being sober is more enjoyable than you predicted."

And, to be honest, yes being around a bunch of people who are drunk when you are sober probably won't be as much fun as if you were drunk too. But that's not because you're boring. It's because being drunk numbs your senses to make you think you're having fun.

Author William Porter writes in his book Alcohol Explained, “Alcohol doesn’t make things more interesting; it makes your mind stupid so that things that would otherwise have bored it are suddenly enough to occupy it.”

Before you knock it, get to know the person you are without alcohol. Spend your weekend mornings doing something productive, instead of staying in bed until late morning/early afternoon with a hangover. Think about the goals you've wanted to achieve that you may have been putting off. Revel in how much healthier you feel when you cut out the 100 to 300 calories per cocktail, and the money you're saving when you're not spending $10 to $15 per drink.

And, even if you are doing this for only a month, studies show that the benefits last even longer. It provides the opportunity to form new habits and can lead to a significant reduction in alcohol consumption in the future.

“The objective of Dry January is not long-term sobriety — it’s long-term control,” Richard Piper, the CEO of Alcohol Change UK, the nonprofit that first started Dry January told the Washington Post. “It’s about understanding your subconscious triggers, overcoming those, and learning how good it is to not drink. It gives you the power of choice for the rest of the year.”

The struggles of doing 'Dry January' when you're socially anxious

"When you have social anxiety, the first two drinks don't count. They just turn you into a normal person." Whenever that meme ...

Seek professional help

Get enough sleep

Give yourself grace

Make time for yourself and other adults

Postpartum changes aren't easy for anyone

How mood disorders and physical discomfort can affect bond with unborn baby

There are still meds you can take

Let others support you

Remind yourself that your fears are normal

Pregnancy and Mental Illness: Building a new brain while trying not to lose my own

The struggles of doing 'Dry January' when you're socially anxious

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