Meant to Live: November 2021

On Tuesday, Nov. 30, the city where I grew up and the city where my parents still live experienced a tragedy that no community should ever have to experience.

Four students were killed, and seven people were injured in a shooting at Oxford High School in Michigan around 12:51 p.m. The suspect in the shooting is Ethan Crumbley, a 15-year-old sophomore at the school. The students killed have been identified as Hana St. Juliana, 14; Tate Myre, 16; and Madisyn Baldwin, 17, and Justin Shilling, 17, died from his injuries around 10:45 a.m. Wednesday.

I'm devastated about this senseless act of violence that killed these young people who had so much life left to live. Absolutely sick to my stomach that we live in a world where kids do this to other kids, and where parents have to fear for their children's safety every day, just when dropping them off to school each morning.

It's common for those affected directly or indirectly by a mass shooting like this one to experience increased anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms, anger, nightmares, difficultly sleeping, as well as a decline in academic performance, ability to trust, and feelings of security and control, according to PsyCom.

In a press conference Tuesday night, Oakland County Sheriff Michael Bouchard said, "If you're feeling trauma or any kind of depression or anxiety, that's nothing to be ashamed of. ... We encourage people not to be afraid of seeking help. (Parents) — talk to your kids about what they're feeling. Get them the help they need, and let them know it is normal to feel this way."

U.S. Rep. Elissa Slotkin added, "This just highlights the deep need for mental health services that we have in our schools and across the country."

I'm not an expert, so I asked someone who is to share her thoughts about this devastating event and what she would tell any child or parent who may be struggling with their mental health as a result.

Here's what Karen Nugent Smigelski, owner of WillowsEdge Counseling, located only a few blocks away from Oxford High School, shared:

"I was at my Oxford office, hearing a lot of sirens going past and watching the ambulances and police cars going towards the high school — while at the same time texting the mother of one of my clients about her daughter's appointment, when the mother alerted me to what was happening.

My initial reaction was shock. Then I let all my therapists know what was happening so they could be prepared for their clients.

I started my career teaching in Oxford Schools in 1995-1999 at the Oxford Middle School as an art teacher and moved here in 2005 so my kids could go to Oxford Schools and grow up in this community that I loved teaching in.

The fact that this happened in the community I love, tells me that it can happen anywhere. More needs to be done to help everyone experience what it feels like to be heard, understood, and loved.

A tragedy like this will cause a ripple effect in people's mental health for many years for all the parents and kids of Oxford as well across the state that can cause life long issues if not addressed. Each time something like this happens, it shines a light on things that are brewing under the surface that need to be addressed and also reinforces the need for empathy for everyone and unity.

If we just 'go back to normal' after this and change nothing, we will miss the opportunity to make a positive change and prevent this tragedy from happening in another community, to another family, to another child. Resilience is needed to counteract the negative effects of events like this. Resilience comes from getting support in any way that works for you.

What I recommend for parents to do to help their children is: talk to them and listen without judgement. Let them talk uninterrupted, hear what they are saying and reflect it back without giving a solution or trying to fix it.

Encourage them to get unbiased outside support to help them deal with any emotions that may come up that they are struggling with. Let them know that there is strength in being vulnerable. It takes courage to ask for help and is nothing to be ashamed of. Let them know your vulnerabilities as an example.

This is the same advice that I would give parents for helping themselves. There are many qualified licensed counselors in our area that could help. Look into your insurance and look online for someone that seems like a good fit for you."

WillowsEdge is located at 2B S. Washington St. Oxford. To make an appointment, email or text them at 248-834-0614 or email Admin@WillowsEdge.net. For others who live in and around Oakland County who are in need of free and confidential counseling, information, and referrals, call Common Ground's 24/7 crisis line at 1-800-231-1127. For more information, visit https://commongroundhelps.org.

Oxford High School shooting highlights the deep need for mental health services

On Tuesday, Nov. 30, the city where I grew up and the city where my parents still live experienced a tragedy that no community should ever h...

It's the most...well...honestly, stressful time of the year. The days are growing colder and darker and busier. You may be struggling with seasonal depression. You may be stressed about the growing list of things you need to get done in December. And, nearly two years into the COVID-19 pandemic, the last thing you probably want to do is shop at a crowded mall.

To help check off one thing on your list, I've put together some gift ideas for those in your life who may struggle with a mental health condition, like anxiety, depression or ADHD. Or, ya know, if you want to buy a present for yourself! Everything on the list is $50 or less and can be purchased online.

Weighted Blanket

Three years ago, my parents got me a weighted blanket for Christmas, and it's still one of my favorite presents I've ever received. Weighing down the body through the use of a weighted blanket while sleeping regulates the secretion of cortisol - a stress hormone that flares when you're anxious.

Buy on Amazon

DoorDash or Grubhub giftcard

When I'm in a depressive state, I often feel too drained to cook for myself or even go pick up food. And so I either won't eat, or my dinner will consist of a can of Spaghetti O's or a bag of Doritos. If you know someone who's struggling, the gift of whatever food they want, delivered right to their doorstep, is just what they may need right now.

Click here for DoorDash and here for Grubhub

Light Therapy Lamp

Seasonal Affective Disorder is caused by the reduction of sunlight during the fall and winter months, and it is estimated to affect 5% of Americans with another 10 to 20% having mild SAD. Light therapy boxes can be an effective way to treat SAD. With light therapy, you sit in front of a special light box, which mimics natural outdoor light, the first hour of waking each day. The light box should provide an exposure of 10,000 lux of light and emit as little UV light as possible.

Buy on Moodozi

Fidget jewelry

Do you have someone in your life who's anxious —and likes jewelry (*cough* me *cough*cough*)? For me, when I'm anxious, I have the bad habit of biting my nails (yes, I know, not a good habit to have especially during COVID-19). Fidget spinners are so 2017, but fidget rings are the new thing — helping calm your anxiety and look good while doing it. Fidget rings are made of metal and have movable parts to give your hands something appropriate to do when you're feeling anxious.

Buy on Impulse Modern

Five Minute Journal

Research shows that people who write in a daily positive journal report decreased mental distress and increased well-being, compared to those who do not. Margaux Joffe, founder of Kaleidoscope Society, an empowering community for women with ADHD, recommends the Five Minute Journal.

She said, "It’s made a noticeable difference — I was more positive, present and felt more in control of my life. The Five Minute Journal is created with leading psychology research and features a simple one-page structured format including gratitude, prioritizing your day, daily affirmation and end of day reflection."

Buy on Urban Outfitters

Daily planner

With ADHD or anxiety, your spinning and distracted brain may make you forget about commitments and other daily to-dos. ADDitude Magazine recommends a planner with sections for goal setting, monthly productivity and hourly charts to help you manage your time.

Buy on ErinCondren.com

Door mat reminder

Another perfect gift for your forgetful friend — a door mat that lists all the things you need to bring with you when you leave the house. With this door mat on Etsy, you can personalize the things you need to remember each day, like keys, wallet, phone, glasses, pills, etc.

Buy on Etsy

Plants

We all know that going out into nature is beneficial for both your mental and physical health. But, with temperatures dipping lower and lower, that's easier said than done. So, bring the outdoors inside for your depressed and anxious friends with the gift of plants. Hello Magazine recommends the following plants for best combatting depression and stress: Peace lily, aloe vera, snake plant, lavender, rosemary, jasmine, English ivy, and chrysanthemum.

Buy at Home Depot

Timer cap for medication bottle

There's been many times where I couldn't remember, "Did I take my anxiety medication today?" And, because I couldn't remember, I've accidentally skipped my medication or took it twice in one day (and, shortly after accidentally taking two Xanax instead of one, I started feeling a little bit too mellow for a work day). A timer cap is a useful gift that shows when you last opened the bottle so you can remember if you took your prescription that day and to help you avoid a dosage mistake.

Buy on TimerCap.com

IQ Fit Game

ADDitude Magazine says the IQ Fit Game is "challenging enough to keep even the most distracted ADHD brain engaged." It's small enough to travel with and includes 120 brain teasing challenges from easy to expert.

Buy on Amazon

Stress relief lotion

Have you seen the movie "Superstar," where Molly Shannon's character deeply inhales the scent of her fingers? Well, that's what I look like after I put eucalyptus scented lotion on my hands. I have the bottle on my desk and often, when I get stressed at work, I will breathe in the scent —and it actually does wonders to help with my anxiety (yes, I do work from home so nobody is witnessing this private ritual). The scent also comes as a body wash, candle and oil.

Buy at Bath & Body Works

Bath bombs/bubble baths

My favorite thing to do when I'm feeling anxious or depressed (well, second, after sleeping) is taking a bath. Research shows that taking a hot bath twice a week produces a moderate to persistent improvement of mood for those with depression, as well as helping ease physical tension and relaxing anxious muscles. And bath bombs full of essential oils and swirling colors are the perfect gift for the anxiety ridden bath lover in your life.

Buy on Lush

Handmade gift

Maybe it's a scrapbook of photos of you together or a painting you created or a scarf you knitted or a letter listing all the reasons you love this person, these are always the gifts that mean the most to me. When you are depressed or anxious, you often forget your own worth. And, when just one person makes you feel like you matter, it means the world.

Holiday gift ideas for the people in your life with mental health conditions

It's the most...well...honestly, stressful time of the year. The days are growing colder and darker and busier. You may be struggling wi...

About 10 years ago, I spoke during a community workshop about how to become a blogger. I talked about my Meant to Live blog and why I decided to write about mental health. And I will always remember, at the end of the session, a woman came up to me. She looked like she was in her 60s or 70s. She had long bright red hair and wore an eccentric outfit — exactly how I picture myself looking at that age.

She thanked me for being open about my mental illness, and she confided in me. She told me that she suffered from severe depression and how it prohibited her from maintaining relationships. She told that she lived alone, was unemployed, and always wanted to be a writer but nothing ever came of it.

I can't remember what I said to her, but I do remember having this intense thought right then — "This is going to be me someday." I talked to this woman — a complete stranger — for about five minutes a decade ago. Yet, I still think about her all the time. I wonder what happened to her. I wonder if things got better for her. And I still get that completely ridiculous and irrational thought, "Was she my future self, time traveling to visit me?"

When you're prone to anxiety or depression, it's easy to be fearful of the future and obsess over the past. For me, it comes in thoughts like, "No one could ever love you. No one could ever want to stay with you. You won't amount to anything, and you're going to die alone. You have no purpose; you have no future."

When you struggle with your mental health, it's easy to ignore the things that are good —even great — in your life and instead only focus on the negative. No, it's not because you're ungrateful. And no, it's not because you don't realize there are people who have it worse off than you do. You're feeling this way because you struggle with a mental illness — a chemical imbalance in your brain. And it's not your fault.

There have been many studies about how past experiences — especially traumatic experiences — can affect a person's mental health. Not as much research has been done about the relationship between depression and your perceptions of the future. But it has been proven that clinically depressed and anxious individuals more frequently expect negative outcomes than positive ones.

According to Aaron Beck, an American psychiatrist who was regarded as the father of cognitive behavioral therapy, "a negative view of the world, of the self, and of the future are the hallmark symptoms of depression." He also suggested that these were not only symptoms of depression, but they also caused depression.

So, what can you do to change the trajectory of your thoughts?

One thing I do is ask the people in my life to throw out some rational words at me when I can't do it for myself (I'm asking you, reader, this too. Please give me some rational thoughts!) Talking to a loved one is always what helps me most.

It's also essential to practice mindfulness in order to ground yourself back into the present. Maybe that's walking outside — feeling the grass under your feet, the wind in your hair, the sun on your face, blah blah all the other clichés that actually do help — or practicing meditation and yoga (I need to do this more. I have the flexibility of Tin Man).

Another thing: Make sure you're getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can worsen anticipatory anxiety. I know that's easier said that done because, obviously, when you're feeling anxious or depressed, it's more difficult to sleep. For me, I take the anti-depressant Trazodone to help me sleep. Over-the-counter, valerian root and melatonin supplements can also help with insomnia.

And, most importantly, if you are feeling this way, try to think about the things you can control today.

For me, I can't control if I will ever be published or be a successful New York Times best-selling author someday. But I can control if I write. So, right now, I'm writing.

For you, if you hate your job, start applying for a new job; if you hate where you live, look into moving somewhere else; if you feel alone, participate in an activity or go online to try and find like-minded people — or maybe even the love of your life. I know I can't control where I'll be at 60 years old. But I can control where I am today, at 33 years old.

"All we can strive for is good enough for now," writes Samanee Mahbub, blogger for Medium. "I discovered that our sense of resilience and perseverance comes out when you need it. We don’t have a choice but to make shit happen. And so we make it happen. ... And in case you forget, hey, you can do it. You are smart, kind, and brave. I believe that you got it in you."

How your perceptions of the future affect your mental health

About 10 years ago, I spoke during a community workshop about how to become a blogger. I talked about my Meant to Live blog and why I decide...

Oxford High School shooting highlights the deep need for mental health services

Weighted Blanket

DoorDash or Grubhub giftcard

Light Therapy Lamp

Fidget jewelry

Five Minute Journal

Daily planner

Door mat reminder

Plants

Timer cap for medication bottle

IQ Fit Game

Stress relief lotion

Bath bombs/bubble baths

Handmade gift

Holiday gift ideas for the people in your life with mental health conditions

How your perceptions of the future affect your mental health

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