What stemmed this breakdown?
My boyfriend went upstairs to watch TV without saying good-bye to me.
Yup, that's it. He didn't say good-bye to me even though we live in the same house and he only went into a room about 100 feet away from me.
Under normal circumstances, I would never expect him to announce every time he's leaving the room. But this isn't normal circumstances.
Even though we're all collectively going through this together and even though I'm lucky enough to be quarantined with someone, this still feels so isolating. And, last night, it hit me how alone I truly felt.
When I was by myself, all of the sudden, everything I had been trying to push to the back of my mind hit me all at once. How much I miss my parents and my friends. How scared I am that someone I love will contract COVID-19 and I won't be able to be there for them or, God forbid, be able to say good-bye. How anxious I am because we have no idea what's going to happen next or how long this will last.
Has this happened to you lately? Where something seemingly normal triggers you or an everyday task feels really difficult?
It's happened to me a lot.
A couple days ago, I got irrationally upset for a couple hours just because, when I was trying to make over easy eggs, I dropped the shell in the pan and broke the yoke.
Today, I was making myself a salad and my heart started to race like I was giving a public speech instead of the simple task of making lunch.
Don't even get me started about trying to sleep. Some nights I can't fall asleep; other days I sleep for 10 hours and, by the middle of the day, I'm already ready to go back to sleep.
In our lifetimes, the world has never felt more uncertain as it does right now. And, as you can tell, I'm not doing great with that. That's why I haven't blogged in a while; I haven't felt qualified to give advice on how to cope when I'm really not coping well either.
But then, I realized, maybe what people need to hear isn't advice from me. Maybe what people need to hear is the truth — that, yes, I am going crazy and it's okay if you're going crazy too!
It's easy to feel like you're the only one going through this and you're the only one who feels the way you feel, since, well, we aren't getting much contact with the outside world. But you aren't alone. We're all in this together.
I am going to share the best advice I've heard since all of this started, from Twitter user @FaceOfBoaz:
"Do you want to know why you feel so tired, even though your daily activity load is decreased? It's a trauma response. Because you can't fight the virus actively, and because you can't run away from it, your body is going into 'play dead' mode," she wrote.
"We're powerless, fight or flight is out, so the only coping strategy left is avoidance. So be kind to your body who needs a few extra naps right now. You're processing a lot, even if it isn't consciously. Be active when you can, but don't force it. You're coping and you're healing."
Last night, I had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in while, where I collapsed onto the dining room floor and started hypervent...
