Meant to Live: 2015

There is one concept in life that, throughout my 27 years, I still cannot seem to grasp — that many people treat others badly who don't deserve it.

So, in my brain, whenever anyone treats me badly, talks down to me, makes fun of me, etc., my automatic reaction isn't what it should be. My reaction should be, "What the hell is wrong with them???!" Instead, my reaction is always, "What's wrong with me?" Instead of thinking, "Wow, I deserve better than this," I think, "Maybe if I act a certain way or maybe if I apologize, this person will stop."

But, in reality, by accepting bad treatment, I have encouraged these people to keep treating me badly. After all, if I react kindly to someone else's unkind words, why would they have any reason to stop?

So how can you stop being treated like a doormat?

The most important thing is to stop believing you deserve to be treated like this. When you lessen your own value, you let others devalue you as well. This is something I need to remind myself of everyday — I deserve to be treated with respect. But telling myself this and actually believing it is easier said than done.

Here's some tips on how to recognize your value and realize you deserve to be treated better:

Give yourself credit for your achievements.
Stop being such a people pleaser. Taking time to be generous with yourself is NOT selfish.
Be confident in yourself and your own feelings. If you have a bad feeling about someone and think you aren't being treated like you should, trust that feeling. Your instincts are more reliable than you may think.
Talk to others about what's going on. Sometimes when you're isolated with the person who is treating you badly, it's easy to believe everything he or she is saying because you have no outside opinion. Time and time again, my friends are the ones who have made me see the light when they've told me, "Seriously?! He/she did WHAT?! You don't deserve to be treated that way at all!" And chances are your friends will have a story about when they were treated less than they deserve. Because, yeah, it does happen to everyone.
Lifehack.org gives this advice — "RAISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS!" After a certain number of times of being treated badly, you may start to expect people to treat you badly. Stop expecting it! According to the website, "If you’re going to have any expectations about how things should go, base them on what you’d love to see happen, not what you wish wasn’t happening."
If you keep getting treated like a doormat, then you need to stop contact with this person. According to Lifehack.org, "Life is way too short to have your experience of it and your self-esteem damaged by someone else, and sometimes you need to make a brave choice. If you need to, be willing to remove yourself from the situation or relationship and start building the kind of life you’d love to live."

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If you've read my blog, you know that, in the last couple years, I have decided to start publicly talking about my anxiety. But yesterday, something happened that's never happened to me before. I had a public panic attack.

I was at a bar with a couple of friends when, all of the sudden, I burst out crying (which later turned into sobbing). I felt a tight pressure in my chest, my face felt warm and I was breathing quickly. My brain was thinking, "Oh my god! There are people around! Stop it!" But, psychically, there was nothing I could do.

My friends, who I've met since moving to Lansing, had to witness this -- a side of me only a handful of people have seen in my entire life. I kept repeating how I was an awful person and how I hated myself and saying that I didn't deserve for them to be so nice to me. And, even though they would compliment me, my anxiety was stronger than their words and I wouldn't believe them.

Yet they stuck by me and didn't judge me. And I didn't notice a single person at the bar look at me like I was a crazy person.

When I went outside for some fresh air and, more or less, started hyperventilating on the sidewalk, nearly everyone who walked past me asked if they could help. One stranger even went in to the bar and brought me out a cup of water.

My friend Frank helped me regain control of my breathing by instructing me to slowly breathe in and out. He told me to focus on my feet instead of focusing on thoughts that would add to my panic (which definitely helped calm me down), and he and my friend, Kate, gave me a big hug to show me I wasn't alone. Afterward, Kate brought me to her apartment, made me hot chocolate and assured me that she would always be there for me and that, no, I wasn't crazy.

My mom, without knowing what was going on, texted me "I love you" during my panic attack (definitely proof that there is an unspoken mother/daughter connection). And, when she felt like something was wrong, she called me immediately.

Last night restored my faith in humanity, and I want to say thank you to Kate, Frank, my mom and the strangers who offered to help. You don't know how much that meant to me.

I share this story because I know a lot of people are afraid of letting people see their mental illness. But, if you let people in, they may surprise you. Last night showed me that, maybe, people are finally becoming more accepting of mental illness, and that, more often than not, others will help you and not judge you.

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I think one of the most challenging things in dealing with a mental illness is telling others about it -- and hoping they don't judge you.

Sure, it's not like you have to tell everyone about it. And some people go their whole lives without telling anyone they suffer from mental illness. But, when you're around someone long enough, they are bound to see your mental illness shine through. And, for me personally, trying to hide it only makes it worse.

Joyce Burland, PhD, of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI), told WebMD, "The silence helps maintain the ignorance about mental illness. ... As an advocate I could say that it would be wonderful if everybody came out. But it is a very subjective decision and you have to consider the consequences."

While mental illness is becoming more accepted, still, people react differently if they see you have an asthma attack or go into diabetic shock than when they see you demonstrate an obsessive compulsive behavior, have a panic attack, or any other symptoms related to mental illness. Many times people still don't view the latter as an illness that you can't control.

Here are some tips from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration on how to tell someone about your mental illness:

Initially, it's good to tell someone who you trust.
Educate yourself about your mental illness so you can be ready for questions and concerns from those you tell.
Practice disclosure with a trained professional. This way you can discuss any worries you may have.
If you're telling an employer, wait until a reasonable accommodation is necessary. The Americans with Disabilities Act forbids companies from firing people with mental health conditions as long as they can do the “essential functions” of the job as determined by the employer.
Remember, you are in control of what you disclose. Never let someone pressure you into disclosing more than you're willing.

I know it can be scary and you may be worried that you will be judged if you disclose your mental illness. But your mental illness is a part of your life -- something you have to deal with on a daily basis. And if someone can't accept you for this, then it's their loss and you don't need that kind of person in your life. Always remember that, no matter how others may react, never start judging yourself. Your mental illness is just that -- an illness that you didn't choose.

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It's the week after Thanksgiving. Which means, if it hadn't started already, businesses are now playing non-stop holiday music; neighborhoods are decorated with red and green lights; and your Facebook wall is filled with pictures of Christmas trees and little kids on Santa's lap.

For some it's the most wonderful time of the year. For others suffering from mental illness, dealing with the death of a loved one, loss of a job, etc., Christmastime is anything but.

Last December, I had recently gone through a brutal break-up. And while going to holiday parties where most family members were accompanied by a significant other, the heartbreak felt even more severe (although my bank account appreciated it).

Here's some advice from Blue Care Network of Michigan on how to deal with seasonal depression during the holidays:

Don't overbook yourself.

Don't say yes to every single invitation. You may not be able to go to every Christmas party you're invited to, and that's okay.

Seek companionship.

While you shouldn't stress yourself out, also -- even more importantly -- make sure not to spend the holidays alone. Participate in a community event or schedule time to spend with your friends (and, if you just went through a break-up, have a girls or guys night -- no significant others allowed. This was a life saver for me last year.)

Volunteer.

If you're dealing with financial pressures, forego the presents and instead, donate your time to those less fortunate. This can help lift your spirits and help you make new friendships.

Try something new.

Habit or routine can also contribute to the rut you're in, Blue Care Network reports. Suggest Christmas Day sledding or learning how to ski this holiday season, for example.

Keep healthy habits.

Eating a lot of cookies and drinking a lot of spiked eggnog isn't going to help you feel better. According to studies, a diet high in fat increases depression and anxiety. Instead, Blue Care Network suggests eating healthy snacks before going to a party so you're not as hungry. Also, squeeze in a workout whenever possible.

Try light therapy.

Serotonin levels increase with exposure to the summer sun -- a major reason why moods tend to be more elevated during the summer, reports Medicine Net. According to some researchers, light therapy may help to alleviate symptoms of depression faster than antidepressant drugs. Check out some light therapy on Amazon.

Ask for assistance.

You don't have to deal with your depression and pain alone. See a therapist, call a crisis line or join a support group. To find a support group near you, visit www.griefshare.org. The group is also hosting a special "Surviving the Holidays" seminar.

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According to a survey of 1,000 business owners and CEOs, 35 percent said being depressed is an acceptable reason to call in to work.

Radio hosts Dave & Chuck the Freak addressed this on a recent show (Listen here at 32 minutes and 33 seconds). They were baffled that anyone would call in sick for being depressed or anxious. Dave said his boss would probably hang up on him after saying, “You’re calling into work because you’re sad?” and “Snap out of it.”

“I would just try to take a Xanax and calm down and deal with it,” Dave said. “I would be judged as the crazy depressed guy.”

Dave & Chuck the Freak

One listener, Cheryl Lynn, wasn’t too thrilled about the hosts’ take on mental illness and made a video response on her YouTube channel.

“I want it to be known that what you guys said is part of the problem. It’s part of the stigma that’s associated with mental health,” said Cheryl, who was in the Final 4 in WRIF’s Rock Girl contest. “I have depression. I have anxiety. … It can be because of a chemical imbalance. There’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t ‘pull it together.’”

“The world needs us all to come together to find a solution and to be OK to talk about mental health just like we’re OK to talk about cancer. … Too many people are killing themselves because they feel like they can’t talk about it because of this negative stigma.”

Cheryl Lynn

She stressed that she is not asking people to boycott the station and that she will still listen to the show every day. But she called what they said on the show “unacceptable.” She said that someone who is depressed or anxious is not any less than anyone else who is sick.

“It is a disease and it does need treatment. It needs to be taken seriously,” she said.

While working at The Oakland Press, I called in sick once because of a rough bout of depression. It was so bad that I physically felt sick. I only got two hours of sleep the night before, I felt like I was going to throw up, and I had a splitting headache. I honestly felt like I couldn’t drive, even if I wanted to.

I told one of my bosses the truth about why I wasn’t coming in to work. And she let me talk to her about what was going on and provided resources for me to seek help. That’s how a boss should react – not say, “Get over it.”

I had four sick days left for the year when I asked for that day off. I feel that, as long as you have sick days available, then it doesn’t matter if you are sick mentally or physically. You have the right to that time off. Sicknesses should be treated equal; you would never be judged for calling in with a flu -- although, I don’t know about you, but I would hands down rather have the flu than depression.

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As a straight woman and gay rights supporter, I have to admit, I haven't given much thought about the bisexual community. I am ashamed to say I have thought, "Just pick a team.”

I was shocked to read that, although bisexuals make up the largest percentage of the LGBT community, they are the most likely to experience mental illness. And I hung my head in shame because I knew that I too had held a stereotype against them.

With this week being Bisexual Awareness Week, I figured it was about time that I educate myself.

Results of a project by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health's Social, Equity and Health Unit show that bisexuals experience discrimination from both the straight and gay communities and rarely have access to bi-specific resources.

We live in a world that is more accepting of gay people than ever before. But, still, it's difficult for many to understand what it means to be attracted to both sexes.

Maybe this quote by character Oberyn Martell from "Game of Thrones" can shed some light on how it feels to be bisexual.

When the character Olyver says to him, "Everyone has a preference,” Oberyn responds:

"Then everyone is missing half the world's pleasure. The gods made that, and it delights me. The gods made this... and it delights me. When it comes to war, I fight for Dorne. When it comes to love — I don't choose sides."

According to Advocate.com, bisexual women have a 46 percent chance of being raped, compared to a 17 percent chance for their straight counterparts and 13 percent for lesbians. They also have the lowest rate of social support when disclosing trauma. This is because bisexual women are sexually objectified in media and stereotyped as being slutty and pretending to be bisexual for attention.

Other shocking statistics, according to Health Research Funding:

Children who are abused are 6 times more likely to be bisexual than any other population demographic.
In a 2009 survey of self-identifying heterosexuals, bisexuals were tolerated only slightly more than intravenous drug users.
Most bisexuals won’t tell anyone about their sexual orientation until the age of 20.
And, for teens that are bisexual, they are more likely to have suicidal thoughts and feelings than any other self-identified group.

Geez, no wonder they’re more likely to be depressed.

Last week, "True Blood" actress Evan Rachel Wood, who came out as bisexual in 2011, revealed on
Twitter the personal struggles she's faced with her sexual orientation.

"The reality is that bisexual people face discrimination not only outside of our community, but also from within. And that can discourage them from engaging in and benefiting from the work that LGBT advocates are doing to address our mental, physical and sexual health," she tweeted @EvanRachelWood.

"Bisexual adults have double the rate of depression than heterosexual adults, and are more likely to engage in self-harming behavior, including attempting suicide."

She said she has battled for most of her life with not being "gay enough" or "straight enough."

"I can assure you that whatever 'straight privileged' I sometimes get accused of having gets erased by biphobia," she tweeted. "Remember, bisexuality doesn't mean halfway between gay or straight. It is its own identity. ... Point being, its ok. We do exist. Don't let anyone make you feel unworthy. No one knows your journey but you."

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Do you ever wake up to the shrill buzzer of your alarm with a tightness in your chest, a rapid heartbeat and/or a pit in your stomach? And you're tempted just to roll over and go back to sleep just so you don't have to deal with this feeling and face the day?

Waking up in the morning after a night's rest should be the least stressful part of the day. Yet, most mornings, I wake up with this inexplicable feeling of panic. Sometimes, shortly after I get out of bed, this feeling of anxiety melts away. Other times, it lasts for hours, even after I arrive at work.

So why does this happen? And how can you prevent it?

Some causes of morning anxiety may be low blood sugar, a fear of being late, nightmares, lack of sleep, and/or a stressful job.

Here are some tips for making the transition from a peaceful sleep to waking up more pleasant, according to trans4mind.com:

Switch your alarm clock noise to your favorite music or gradual pleasant chimes that increase in volume and frequency. Right now, my alarm sounds similar to a foghorn, so I'm thinking this suggestion could really help me out.
Place your alarm clock (or phone) out of arm's reach so you have to get out of bed to turn it off. I started practicing this last week by plugging my phone into the bathroom wall instead of by my bed. Also, check out this runaway alarm clock on Amazon.
Put your robe and slippers next to your bed so you can stay warm and comfy as you climb out from under your covers.
Keep a snack that contains "good" complex carbohydrates and protein by your bed to eat right after you wake up. You went the whole night without food, so your brain may have "run out of fuel" as you slept. Some good carbs are nuts, whole grain crackers, pretzels or a granola bar.
Turn on upbeat music as you get ready for your day.
Change how you perceive waking up. Practice thinking positively when you wake up and say out loud, "What a wonderful day!"

Here's an example from the TV show "Friends" of how you should be starting your day:

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I have to be honest – I’m not good at change.

And, last week, there was a lot of change in my life. Last Monday, I moved an hour and a half away from Oakland County (where I have lived my entire life) to Lansing, and Tuesday I started a communications job with the State of Michigan.

Everyone has moments, good or bad, when their whole life changes. And being at the precipice of that change is, well, really stressful. For me, a couple days after the move, I had one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. I felt like a kid again as I thought to myself, "What if they don't like me? What if I'm not good at this?"

Does anyone else have this happen? That, even when the change is good, you can't help but freak out?

I think change is stressful because it brings uncertainty. At my previous job, I liked knowing what I was doing. And now, here I am, starting back at square one.

According to psychologists, the older you get, the more scared you are of change because you are more rooted in your daily schedule. But, in life, besides death and taxes, change really is one of the only inevitable things. So, how can you cope -- without having a complete mental breakdown (which, let me tell you from experience, is not fun)?

Allow yourself to freak out but make sure not to fixate on what you lost - Relationship and family therapist Roger S. Gil told lifehacker.com: "Do all the crying, kicking, and screaming you need to do; then start to seek out ways to make your new situation more livable and enjoyable. Fixating on what was lost as a result of the change will prevent us from experiencing the good things that our new circumstances can bring us."
Ask others for help - Whether it's family, friends, fellow employees, a counselor or a support group, don't be afraid to talk to someone about how you're feeling.
Take extra care of your emotional and physical health - If you're facing a new change, make sure to get enough sleep, eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly, etc., according to a press release by the Iowa National Guard.
Find time to relax - Take time for relaxation techniques, like yoga or meditation, every day. Do something to take your mind off of the stress, like watching a funny movie.
Research - To ease your uncertainty, do as much research as you can about the change you are going through.
If you can help it, don't make any more big changes - Pace yourself. Try to postpone making any other big decisions, if you can help it, until you adjust to this one.
Live in the moment - Focus on the task at hand so you won't get overwhelmed. Don't think so far in the future about how this change will affect the rest of your life. Instead, think about what you will do today.
Think about the positives of change - Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., coauthor of the book Saying Yes to Change, told FamilyCircle.com, "People who greet what life offers with curiosity have stronger immune systems and live longer." Think of change as a new adventure and opportunity for growth. After all, life would be pretty boring if there was no change and life, every day, was exactly the same.

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This has been one of those weeks where my anxiety has gotten the best of me. This has been a week of heart racing panic attacks, difficultly falling asleep, nearly unbareable self consciousness and probably really desperate sounding text messages to my friends (I'm sorry about that, by the way).

In the back of my mind, I know that these feelings aren't logical. But when I think to myself, "Snap out of it," I only end up feeling worse.

But, after reading an article about actor Jared Padalecki's openness about his mental health and his fans' support of him, my anxiety finally began to dissipate because I finally stopped feeling ashamed. I stopped feeling alone or like something was wrong with me.

At Sunday's Comic Con, more than 7,000 fans showed their support of the "Supernatural" star by lighting candles.

Two months ago, Padalecki cancelled his appearances at two conventions because he was "in desperate and urgent need of my family." He tweeted to his fans, "I need all of the love I can get right now. Please please give me a few seconds of your time and write me." And his fans definitely showed him the love last weekend.

On Monday, he posted on his Facebook page, "To everybody who held a light for me, please know that I hold my light for you. Though I happened to be the one sitting on stage, I am but one small light in a sea of thousands. TOGETHER, we can and will make a difference! Keep letting your light shine. I will do the same. And, keep fighting. Always Keep Fighting."

In a March interview with Variety, Padalecki said he was diagnosed as clinically depressed while filming the third season of CW's "Supernatural."

"Maybe a lot of people don’t know this, but Season 3, we were shooting an episode, and I went back to my trailer to get changed and just kind of broke down," he said. "I was 25 years old. ... I was happy with my work, but I couldn’t figure out what it was; it doesn’t always make sense is my point. It’s not just people who can’t find a job, or can’t fit in in society that struggle with depression sometimes."

He'll probably never read this, but I wanted to say — "Your bravery to speak up about your struggles with depression have made me and thousands of others feel less alone. Thank you."

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I think having a passion is vital to surviving this life.

I think passion is something you do for you and no one else; something you put your soul into. It's something you love doing, something that gives you a reason to wake up in the morning and something that, while you are doing it, makes you forget about the rest of the world.

Inocente Izucar, 21, is proof that passion can directly change your life. Inocente was homeless for more than nine years, but she didn't give up her passion of art. And because of her art, she was selected as the subject for an Academy Award-winning documentary named after her.

"I think art makes me a stronger and better person because it's a way that I express my feelings. I'm not a big talker on how I feel. But ... I can definitely describe all my feelings to you on a canvas," she said in an interview with the National Endowment for the Arts.

"So it's made me stronger in the sense that I've become more confident. And art just kind of kept me away from all the bad things I could have been doing. I felt like it saved my life."

Photo from Jenn Neitzel's Instagram

I think many people, as they get older, give up on these passions. Maybe they gave up after someone made them feel like their passion was "stupid" or "unrealistic." Or maybe life got in the way — the job, the bills, the housework, the kids, etc. — and makes them forget about their passion.

Blogger Jen Neitzel says that it's essential to your happiness to make time for your passions — whether it's writing (like it is for me), art (like it is for Inocente), music, photography, cooking, inventing, playing sports, hiking, acting, or anything else you love to do.

Jen wrote, "It’s always practical to nurture and develop your passion, paid or unpaid, because it’s tapping into your authentic self and growing that part of you. ... If you become an expert from following your passion, the world opens up for you with people and new opportunities."

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